The Edges of Normal

this is hard for me.
people i know casually talking about pot
talking about their experiences with it, and whether or not they like it as though it's no big deal.
this is hard for me.
maybe it's not a big deal.
some people do it, some people don't.
they don't think of it as a crime or something morally apprehensive.
it's just something that exists in the world - neutral of morality.
but i struggle to hear these conversations and not feel judgment towards them.
i struggle to not condemn people for exploring these things and not also condemning them.
they know the risks involved, they talk about the 3 years clean you must have to get a government job.
they talk about the lie detector tests, and the interviews, and the risks of not getting a job if you do smoke pot.
but they don't think of it as something that should be considered wrong to do, or to have done.
they don't think of it as something bad, just something you can't do if you want certain jobs.
they accept the rules in the world, but not the judgments from them.
i struggle to find common ground in these conversations. a way to participate without condemning or betraying myself.
i struggle not to reject the conversation that is happening around me, or to try and end it.
and maybe that's my struggle.
maybe i must find a way to be comfortable in conversations that aren't in my comfort level.
maybe i must find a way to be present without being a contributor.
i tend to reject things that scare me.
and things i can't participate in scare me because i fear rejection.
so i reject those things that make me afraid i will be rejected.
but if i carry through on those impulses, i will get myself rejected more surely than just listening and waiting for something new to come up.
and i struggle with my own paranoia.
the belief that it is wrong and that we will be judged for the conversations.
the shock that something i consider taboo would be discussed so openly in public.
i struggle with resisting my own tendency to panic, then judge and resist the conversation.
i struggle to do something different, something more open, something more giving, something more caring, something more accepting of the people i'm socializing with.
i struggle to change my patterns, and give people the acceptance i also want.
i struggle to stop the judging.

i was talking to my mother this morning about education and the expectations she raised us with.
that we must do x,y, and z in a certain order.
she said that she taught us the rules that she valued, but that she has never valued the rules more than the person.
she said that when dalya wanted to go to the national guard instead of directly to college she accepted it because she loves dalya and it doesn't matter that it's not the rules she taught us because it's something dalya wanted to do, and dalya had a different plan.

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