artists

Oct. 10th, 2010 03:46 am
outofsynch: (Default)
[personal profile] outofsynch
the best people in my life are artists
ms gwen, maggie, re, vera, molly, cree, zoia, ms anne,
some of them support themselves and some of them don't
why can't i accept this in my girlfriend?
i'm not repeating my mother's failures
i am not my mother.
and i'm not repeating my childhood.
i'm older now.
i love her and i want to support her. and she might need me to support her.
she might not be able to support me in the same financial way.
she would support me in different ways - emotionally, socially, acceptance, love
it would be different than when i was in high school because i would be choosing to support someone.
the choice has all the power.
i am not repeating my life by being with her.
i would be choosing to do this with her and choosing to do it differently than before.
i cannot be a victim of my choices.
i must accept responsibility for my choices.
i chose to give her that loan. that loan is my responsibility.
i chose to tie us together, so i can't be a victim of my choice.
i cannot be a victim of my choice to potentially need to support her and help her if she needed it.

ms gwen asked me if i could be ok completely supporting zoe.
if i could accept that she was an artist and might need me to be the money-maker.
i told her it was scary to think about it.
she said that roy is the sole support for their family and it is scary for him, but you

take the days one at a time and handle what happens as it comes.
they worked together to keep things going when he lost his job. they changed their dominant roles until he could get back on his feet.
i've wanted someone to help support me, someone who could be there if i fell on hard times.
but being single, i only have me.
being with zoe, i would only have me to rely on for money things.
but i don't take help anyway. so there's no difference whether i'm with her or single.
but single, i don't have her to talk to about my day or my fears or have her to tell me i'm over reacting.
being single, i only have me.
i've been railing against her because i couldn't rail against my mother when i was young.
she has been living under the shaddow of what my mother did to me and what i did for her.
zoe doesn't deserve that.

and nikki says that she support her family. she give her fathers money, she co-signed an appartment for her brother.
it's hard.
and she shells out when she has to because of the choices she made.
nikki says that in the end it's just money, and money isn't the whole world.
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