The Edges of Normal

i learned something today.
something i hope to remember.
the relationship i had with my mom growing up was one where i took care of the morning things to get certain fuctions done.
i woke her up, made coffee, took care of breakfast etc.
and in return she tried to meet my wants and take care of my needs that i expressed.
to me this sounds like a good relationship. overall, we both gave to each other and we both received from each other.
we fought, we argued, we cried, we did our best for each other, we supported each other, and we stayed together for a long time.
if that was describing any other relationship except a mother-daughter one, it would be fine and sound like a decent relationship.
the tricky part begins because i was younger than i should have been for this kind of relationship, but that doesn't mean the relationship itself, the way it was constructed, at its core, was wrong or bad.

for a while now i've tried to think there was something wrong with that set-up, and i believed it was the relationship itself, instead of my age, and the mother-daughter dynamic. and i haven't given to others in a relationship that way because i've judged it poorly.

in the end, holding back from giving like that ultimately ruined me, every time. and i think, the next time i get a chance to do this whole relationship thing, i'll remember that giving and receiving and relying on each other is part of what makes a relationship good. and i do have a model for how to make it work. and this time, at this age, the context is proper for the content of the relationship.
that makes me hopeful now. that perhaps i can do this and make it work.
here's hoping i recall this, and am able to apply it.
here's hoping i'm also right.
and a guide through the murky waters of making a relationship last is always welcome, beneficial, and appreciated (if you're listening universe).

i had a visit from my past last week and realized why i left it there.
the shell of a human i once was filled out and needs more from my relationships than before.
sadly, the relationship had not evolved as i, and left me wanting in several regards.

but i saw a bit of where i began in her. the black and white sexuality categories; the need to be surrounded by people from the same "community" i once felt I was obligated to.
and i am greatful that i have expanded out of that.
that "community" to me consists of humans, and not simply those that classify themselves as "gay".

and i am greatful that my life has expanded beyond the value of who wants to get in my pants and how many women i make out with. i am greatful that my life receives value from my friends, and coffee dates, gazing at the stars under a blanket, and watching silly tv shows with others.
I am greatful that i can laugh and dance, and see myself as a person, as a human, and not as a sexual object. i am greatful that when i need a hug, or a listening ear, there are people i can turn to who will listen and help me grow instead of tuning me out.
i am greatful for the life i have and have been building.
and i am greatful to have this chance to look at myself anew and appreciate the things i've grown into, and the shell that i've left behind.

to the reader who will never bother:
your "southern charm" is abrassive and rude.
people are not obligated to provide you with everything you want, and addressing them as though this were true embarasses me for you, and offends me when you direct it at me.
i find it quaint that you see yourself on a pedistal above me when it comes to this regard and say that i should "let you handle the talking" because I will offend someone with my mannerisms.
if ever i allow you to grace my premises again, try to see me as less of a chaufer to your whims and more as a companion that you want to spend time with and talk to.

and as a note on your observation skills:
the toilet seat goes down when you are finished. i shall assume you didn't hear me when i asked you to put it down in the beginning and defer to the following - if it is down when you go in there, and i make a point of putting it down every time after you leave, kindly take notice and put the effort into the action yourself.