Apr. 1st, 2013 02:59 pm
outofsynch: (Default)
i exist in the world.
out of sync with the rhythm and flow of the people
i exist in the world
adrift from the seamless procession of faces and voices
marching to a rhythm that moves and dances
the uniform motion of life
i exist.
my drum counter-tempo to yours
i move, and march and dance to the rhythm that
and pauses the flow of your time and movements;
your sync to the rhythm of life that you hear and feel
and flow with.
such is the surety and comfort of that rhythm surrounding you
that no one can not hear the music and move to it in celebration
of existence.
i exist in the world
out of sync with the rhythm and flow of the people
that make these endless streams of faces and voices,
i step out into the flow
as you stop, adrift from the rhythm of the music of life around you
and I smile
because i exist in the world
and now you know it too.
outofsynch: (Default)
it occurs to me that "lesbians" who date men and maintain their ownership of the "lesbian" label really piss me off. I think this compounded an already horrific experience to make for a very bad whirlwind.

it also occurs to me that being dumped for a guy hurts way more and pisses me off extremely more than being dumped for a girl.

i am not certain what to do with this information.
or the peace and sense of world order being re-established that i feel at this moment.

i do not think i will do anything with my recently found lack of hostility and disgust though. these aren't emotions to take lightly and i feel they may linger still even though they are sleeping. if i can't let them go and keep from using them as a lash against people, i shouldn't temp the tiger. (so to speak)


Aug. 27th, 2012 01:26 pm
outofsynch: (Default)
i turned off my tv two years ago and haven't looked back.
I turned off the radio and closed all the newspapers too.
the noise they emit only hurts me
and i don't want to tolerate it.

in truth, they themselves broadcast pain.
the pain of the world.
and as humans, we respond to pain with anger.
and in our anger we look for someone to blame.

the anger in the world hurts me
because the blame in the world is undeserved
because the blame propagates the pain.

i cannot find a band-aid big enough to kiss the world's hurts.
so I turned off the news and all its sources
to protect myself from the pain of the world -
from the sounds of the world crying
from the screams of people who don't know a healthier way to respond
from the countless blames and pointing fingers at "someone else"
so we can direct our anger.
even though it doesn't address our pain
or help us heal.
outofsynch: (Default)
i walked away. finally. i walked away.
i got to end it with her asking for something and me saying no.
it's petty, but it felt good. and it gave me the ending i needed to move on.
finally. i have moved on.

to then shop okcupid like it was my second job.
i'm embarassed that online dating sites are where i've gone too mostly because i still think of them as pathetic.
but it seemed like the best place for me to meet someone given that i'm interested in people who aren't interested in bars, and then where do you meet these people, you know?

and so we start a new page.
and a new person, found via said online dating site.
and my roommate thanked her for making me "so happy".

high school-style infatuation is fun.
i'm waiting for it to burn off and see what's actually there.
i told my mother i was twitter-patted though and then bounced my head off the dashboard because i had to explain the Bambi reference to her.

and the other i have stated i never want to see again.
never is a strong word and i'm sure it won't last like that, but it's where i am right now.
to the point of telling the one mutual friend we have left that i do not want to be invited to parties that she will be going to.

one mutual friend. because i cut the rest out of my life like loose paper shreddings.
i've spent my life walking away from things i valued and cared about so often that i almost have no actual attachment to the permanency of people now.
i think about the weaver stories. about how our lives are threads through the fabrics of time. and they cross, mingle, part, or never meet according to the weaver's pattern. and i am reminded that a person will stay only so long as our threads are mingled, but we will never truly be part of each other as two threads can never be part of each other in the greater pattern.

maybe i should look for more positive lights in the stories about love. it'd be nice to travel with one other person for a length of time and make a life together. it would be really nice.

outofsynch: (Default)
i had a dream about you today.
you said I was still in love with you
and then asked me if that felt true.
and I said, "yeah, it probably is true."

and in my dream i could still remember the shape of your body
the touch of your skin
the feel of your hair in my hands

and i remembered it all in my dream
as I listened to you talk on the phone about mundane things
and then I gave you a supportive hug
and said 
I thought you were a good mother.
I guess you never really get over your firsts.


Dec. 13th, 2011 01:54 pm
outofsynch: (Default)

i've been writing again.

let me know how this reads as a spoken word. I've got Ani in my head with her rhythms and intonations as it moves.

i pushed myself so hard to bend i put myself into an emotional coma.
the effort of pushing this mountain of my mind that just won't bend was too much in the end
and i have fallen into the blissful numbness of emotional outer space.

i feel like i've let you down somehow
like i should be able to bend and not break
like i should be able to give this to you when there seems to be so much at stake.

but i couldn't,
and i can't
and the question becomes what do we do now?

the end just becomes the next step to move forward on,
and things that i needed in the beginning don't seem so sound now.
but what i need, and what you need,
seem to be on different plains
and given what has changed,
or not changed,
the vaccum of our future hangs

how we will fill it.

outofsynch: (Default)
my heart is heavy and my pockets light
i sit in a world that is waiting for me and do not reach out.
instead i lay in my mind and breathe;
allowing the emotions to engulf me, surround me.
i revisit old conversations.
i live in the memories of my past life
while my body goes through the motions of the world;
keeping up the pretenses of an occupied vessel.
it's cheaper this way
the decrepitude of my finances is not deepened by my dreams and so i keep dreaming.

the world is waiting for me to return
but the ominous weight of time belays my coming.
i would rather sit with the lonely memories
the sadness of what i have lost
reliving what i wanted to have and denying what i have lost
than face the truth, than face the loss i have suffered.

the lie comforts for my heart
until something in the fantasy threatens to reveal the truth,
threatens to thrust me back into life.
and i struggle to stay in my dreams
while truth threatens to break through to my consciousness and ravage my tired soul with reality;
threatens to wake the dreamer.

i struggle now.
the tempest is knocking at my door and it makes my heart heavy.
there is no escape if i should awaken
and i fear the repercussions of reality for not attending to it sooner.
i fear i will not survive them.


Oct. 26th, 2011 08:54 am
outofsynch: (Default)
over the last couple of weeks i've begun to realize that i don't like doing work.
it's not that i'm lazy, it's just that i don't like doing most of the mundane stuff that i have to do.

couple this with a long-lived love of teaching people things and showing them how to do stuff and suddenly i'm wondering what it would be like to be a college professor.


i feel there's lots involved with teaching that i also wouldn't enjoy, but for some reason the thought is still there.
(there's also that little nagging need for a PhD that would require MORE college but hey, what's three more years, right?)
but proff's get to do research, and that would be wonderful. :)

that's where i'm at right now.

suspend DC

Sep. 19th, 2011 11:07 am
outofsynch: (Default)
hook suspensions. lots and lots of hook suspensions.
and this tiny little girl pulling a 400 lb. man out of his chair by the hooks in her back.
ho-ly F*#CK.
"i did it for him", "i did it for me", "i did it for god".
every red color i see today reminds me of the blood.
one thinks i shouldn't always be as much of a smart-ass as I can be, but it just comes out sometimes!

i was taking shots of these two girls doing an energy-pull (power-pull is more like it for them). they wanted something personal to remember the experience and asked me to be their photographer. and they were wearing the arm bands marking them as "no pictures w/o my permission". so i felt, and still feel, uber special for being, like, the only person in the room allowed to take pictures of them (go me!).
and during part of the shoot, this guy walks up to me and says, "excuse me miss. white arm bands?" and points to the two girls.
and i look at him and say "yes. i know." and then smile. and that's all i say.
and he looks confused. taken off guard. and well - shocked.
and this made me smile - because i enjoy being un-informative to people; it's a rush.
and then i start to explain that they asked me to take their pictures. and one of the girls, bless her, looks over and says "she's ok. we asked her to do this."
so guy has to walk away.
goes and gets Man In Charge (who's wonderful, did an amazing job, and is an all around wonderfully communicative person to work with). and starts worrying because I'm taking their picture and that means other photographers are also taking their picture because they think it's ok. No big deal - photos are screened before release anyway. Man In Charge briefly explains to me the rough outline I now have of what's happening and asks me to tell other photographers they can't take shots if I see them do it. and i told him I did (because I did when one of the other photographers came up to shoot next to me - awkward, but not unpleasant.) he's good and walks off to deal with Mr. Worry Pants. all in all, I'm sure I could have done that better, but - you know?!?! it just comes out sometimes.
i can't get the smell of blood out of my nose.
intense. transformative. powerful.
that was beautiful.
outofsynch: (Default)
i keep thinking about the hospital today.
i keep seeing him kiss her
i keep hearing him say "i love you sweety" and talk about their future kids.

i wish the memories would just go away.

i wish the harmones would stop playing with my mind. this shit is annoying.

outofsynch: (Default)
it's scary.

you know what's scary?

how much some of these articles sound like my childhood.

it all makes me question my life. my self. my expectations of my self.

and then, what if it's true?

does it do any good to have a diagnosis for a social disorder that isn't really treatable except by changes in the behaviors and expectations of people around you?
meaning that it isn't something you can control or effect, but the people around you are required to adjust to in some way?

or what if i'm just insensitive, awkward, and emotionally retarded? what if it isn't really any one cause and just that i've never wanted to have to do what people tell me i need to do to get along and function in the world and in relationships?

i do wonder why i have such an obsession with social skills and why it's so hard for me to communicate and express my self. i wonder all the time.

and i wonder, or think, that maybe everyone has these troubles. maybe everyone struggles. they just push themselves through it and i never bothered to try. wasn't told i had to try when it would have been easier.

i wonder why my head starts roaring when things get emotionally tense. why it feels like i'm searching through a fog for a tool box that has been moved from the place that i left it.
i wonder why i feel exasperated and defeated when things start running to quickly in conversations or fights for me to keep up and respond and understand what to say.
i wonder if everyone feels defeated when the person you love starts fighting at you and yelling at you and telling you that no one else thinks the way you do and everyone else is easy to communicate with.
i think that would be universal feeling - but maybe everyone else doesn't actually have to be told that because it isn't true for them. maybe it's just me.

and then what would that mean? what good does it do to have a label that says you are socially defunct and other people have to adjust if they want to be around you?
who would want to do that?

outofsynch: (Default)
we are naive when we criticize without actually seeing the person we are rejecting:

"While Democrats temporized, or even dismissed the fears of the white working class as racist or nativist, Republicans went to work. To be sure, the business wing of the Republican Party consists of the most energetic outsourcers, wage cutters and hirers of sub-minimum wage immigrant labor to be found anywhere on the globe. But the faux-populist wing of the party, knowing the mental compartmentalization that occurs in most low-information voters, played on the fears of that same white working class"

The above is from a very large, very pointed, very scary look at the republican party. found here:

with many, many points I've heard and thought over the last two to three years. It's scary to see things I say in a joking manner written in a blog by someone who claims to be a republican staff member on capital hill. that means they might actually be true. and it means an actual movement to prevent history from coming back is more than likely necessary or we will see the fall of our society similar to the fall of German Democracy in the 20's and 30's.

outofsynch: (Default)
another day another pill.
i'm taking st. johns wart more and more regularly it seems.
i don't know if its S.A.D. or just not letting go of the past or both.
i want to walk away. walk away from the sadness. walk away from everything that makes me sad. but i can't. not litteraly, not figuratively, and even if I could quit - up and leave like I say i want to - it wouldn't make things better and might make them worse.

my mind still travels down the road of discontent. still looks at the door that leads to conversations about why i don't have all of someone's love. most of it self-depreciating. most of it self-abusive.
it's almost not worth even looking at anymore except that i keep thinking it'll change if i look every once in a while.
i never said i was bright.

at least with the st. john's wart the thoughts loose some of their force. at least while i still have them, they don't hit as hard or tear as much.
it's an exploration of what i do to myself because of how i think the thoughts will make me feel and what the thoughts actually do to me.
i might be beginning to get a hold on my own inflictions so that i don't compound the thoughts. might be.

at least while i self-medicate i can avoid admitting i might actually have a problem. i can avoid having to become reliant on health insurance or inject my system with synthetics. i hate doctors. i don't want more of them in my life than i have to have right now.

in the end they'll only tell me what i already know. they'll give me a drug that will work as well as the st. john's wort of worse. and it'll have crappy side-effects that will hurt my mood worse.
i realize i'm rationalizing not doing something about a potential problem.

and the closer reality is that my present is pretty ok. things are where i need them to be right now. i may not be happy with all of it, but right now things are what i need.
it's the potential futures that give me grief. the potential dreams i don't actually have right now that i might not ever be able to realize.
it's hopes, or hopes i believe i should have one day, that give me grief because i can't see my future becoming something that fulfills them.

potential hopes and dreams that i might have, and the possibility of my future beyond the development of those hopes and dreams that might not fulfill them. that's what upsets me.
i could use my energy in better places.

and what if i never develop those future hopes? what then? all this wasted energy being upset about the unfulfilled dreams i never had in the first place.
it would be ridiculous.
i plan. but sometimes i plan too much. projections only work so far before they become completely unreliable and the steps beyond the present i have to to take to get to a point of hopelessness is right about where the land of fancy takes off.

it would be better if i could take a pill to stop my mind from searching for all the what-ifs necessary to lead me to a future of hopelessness. can you find me one of those pills?
outofsynch: (Default)
no more, Love.
I am through with you.
you have battered my vessel and ripped her sails.
you have tossed her on the rocky shores.
i have too weak a heart to brave your fury again.
let it not be said that I did not find Love
but I shall tell all who seek you that you are no friend to man.

Seek not Love. Love is vicious. Love is cruel.
Love cares not for the heart of man.
Stay safe in the harbors of infatuation.
I tell you seek that which can be held and is tame, for the comfort of familiarity is a safer life.
Love will surely tear your heart out and notch her mantle one more time with its blood.

no longer will i look for love
i'm looking for infatuation.
its safe harbors with its gentle rise and fall
are much preferred to the violent changes of Love's ocean.
outofsynch: (Default)
old blogs are interesting. and useful i imagine.
i read old writings. old things about complaints and frustrations and i look at them and go "why didn't i wake up" and more to the point, "why do i think it could be different. why do i think i could change?"

i want things to be different. i want the past to be happy, and loving, the way it was sometimes. and i want the gripes to be minimized compared to the love and happiness.
what if that isn't possible?
maybe i'm delusional like nikki says. looking at the past with rose-tinted glasses because it's the past and i want to remember what was happy instead of what was making me crazy and hurting me.
and i know i try to rationalize the past. find things that i could have done to make the gripes less, make things work out differently, if only i'd been in a different place, if only i'd been a different person.

but that begs the question. am i a different person now? what if I'm not? what if I can't change or haven't changed? that would leave me right where i was before. and where i was before isn't good.
and i don't know how to tell if i have changed or just convinced myself that i've changed, and maybe it's not a good idea to ask someone to be my personal experiment on that. what's the point of ruining someones chances at a good life with someone else if i'm still the same?

old journals are good to read, but they make me feel guilty, and like a bad person. i complained too much, and never really did work on the issues to change them or improve things. and if that hasn't changed, then i won't get anywhere.
outofsynch: (Default)
i heard your happy now
got something you need
got something you want
got something you're enjoying

can we please start over
can we work it out
can we find a way to be together
and last forever
just give it one more try

i don't want to live without you
i don't want to breathe without you
there by my side

i just want to hold your hand
and take a stand
and be proud of who i am
and be with you

i heard you found someone to hold you
someone to support you
someone who can understand you
won't repremand you
and gives you what you need

can't we please start over
can we work it out
can we find a way to be together
and last forever
and give it one more try

can we please
outofsynch: (Default)
i. am going to PDF. :)
with a group of new people who seem pretty darn awesome!
at which i will be turning 30.
and shaving my head. :)

i have been invited to the steampunk worlds faire which I may be able to attend as soon as I verify the dates (may 20 - 22) and my actual calendar of events to do, and whether i have $50 to spare after buying the necessary camping things for PDF.

i have officially broken in my fire staff and am working up the courage to move outside of my little 3 foot diameter box so that I can potentially engage and audience and, you know, perform. :D (yes, i'm mixing shapes here - deal)
eventually I hope for it to fee less like "playing with fire" and more like, "look at these cool things i've learned". but baby steps are ok when, you know,

i am going to a psychadelic, punk-esk circus event with a moonwalk, cotton candy, fire spinner, jugglers, and other fun things to watch. yay!

i've finally learned how to style my hair in a mo-hawk and this will likely last for maybe another week before my hair gets too long to listen to the gel.

i am changing. i am growing. and damn-it i'm learning how to have fun!
(so THERE world!)
outofsynch: (Default)
the phone is ringing and i hear your voice on the other line
the rich, expressive tones of your hello
wake-up! wake-up! it's all a dream anyhow.
no reason to dream of you tonight.
no reason to whisper into the night.

what would i say if i could call you up right now?
what words come after goodbye?
outofsynch: (Default)
i learned something today.
something i hope to remember.
the relationship i had with my mom growing up was one where i took care of the morning things to get certain fuctions done.
i woke her up, made coffee, took care of breakfast etc.
and in return she tried to meet my wants and take care of my needs that i expressed.
to me this sounds like a good relationship. overall, we both gave to each other and we both received from each other.
we fought, we argued, we cried, we did our best for each other, we supported each other, and we stayed together for a long time.
if that was describing any other relationship except a mother-daughter one, it would be fine and sound like a decent relationship.
the tricky part begins because i was younger than i should have been for this kind of relationship, but that doesn't mean the relationship itself, the way it was constructed, at its core, was wrong or bad.

for a while now i've tried to think there was something wrong with that set-up, and i believed it was the relationship itself, instead of my age, and the mother-daughter dynamic. and i haven't given to others in a relationship that way because i've judged it poorly.

in the end, holding back from giving like that ultimately ruined me, every time. and i think, the next time i get a chance to do this whole relationship thing, i'll remember that giving and receiving and relying on each other is part of what makes a relationship good. and i do have a model for how to make it work. and this time, at this age, the context is proper for the content of the relationship.
that makes me hopeful now. that perhaps i can do this and make it work.
here's hoping i recall this, and am able to apply it.
here's hoping i'm also right.
and a guide through the murky waters of making a relationship last is always welcome, beneficial, and appreciated (if you're listening universe).
outofsynch: (Default)
pain chokes me
and stops the breath in my lungs
so i take a pill
to keep the sadness at bay.

i walk again down empty halls
the memory just out of reach
the emptiness fills me
and i turn away
so the sadness will not find me.


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