soul

it seems when i am single that i come back to this point.
i get back in touch with my nature and my spirituality.
when heather left it was that book clay gave me. exploring my spiritual and emotional state to better align myself and accept myself.
and here again, i turn to thoughts of y.o.u., and my ruins, and my tarott deck that hasn't been played with in 2 years.
it seems that my spirituality is the first thing to go when i add a person to my life. it's the secret part of me that i don't share and don't know how to share.
i've always had a hard time sharing my secret self. the fragile, vulnerable nature that i know is there beneath everything. my spirituality doesn't have that hard shell around it to protect against the world and people's critiques, so i hide it to protect myself from it when i add people to my life.
and in hiding myself, i loose myself, and the key part of me that people fall in love with and connect with.

(no subject)

i never set my altar back up when i moved.
i never unpacked my life or put myself into my living quarters. it's like who i am is still in boxes waiting to be unpacked and settled.
how's that for an analogy?

it's funny how the most mundane decisions can have such important impacts sometimes.
maybe if i'd kept my life going and displayed myself in my rooms the way i did in my apartment i wouldn't have let go of so much.
maybe i wouldn't have lost that part of me if i didn't leave it in a box after i moved.

but i moved in 2008 - i have to remember that. it'll be 3 years in february.
3 years without my altar or reminders of my spiritual journey. and the fighting and the bickering didn't start until 2009. the chances of it being completely related are slim.

still. i left part of myself some where and i lost it.

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(no subject)

i  need to find a way to keep myself in my relationships.
i need a plan for that
and i need to find a way to share something so integral, and yet so private, about myself with people who weren't there when it was all happening.