(no subject)

[outofsynch]

my heart is heavy and my pockets light
i sit in a world that is waiting for me and do not reach out.
instead i lay in my mind and breathe;
allowing the emotions to engulf me, surround me.
i revisit old conversations.
i live in the memories of my past life
while my body goes through the motions of the world;
keeping up the pretenses of an occupied vessel.
it's cheaper this way
the decrepitude of my finances is not deepened by my dreams and so i keep dreaming.

the world is waiting for me to return
but the ominous weight of time belays my coming.
i would rather sit with the lonely memories
the sadness of what i have lost
reliving what i wanted to have and denying what i have lost
than face the truth, than face the loss i have suffered.

the lie comforts for my heart
until something in the fantasy threatens to reveal the truth,
threatens to thrust me back into life.
and i struggle to stay in my dreams
while truth threatens to break through to my consciousness and ravage my tired soul with reality;
threatens to wake the dreamer.

i struggle now.
the tempest is knocking at my door and it makes my heart heavy.
there is no escape if i should awaken
and i fear the repercussions of reality for not attending to it sooner.
i fear i will not survive them.