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it's not about the drugs but it is at the same time.
it's about us being in different places in our lives, and the drugs represent that very well.
it's about us having different values for things and different wants in our lives.
it's about us focusing on different things from different perspectives.
i don't think i was completely selfless. i saw things from how they effected me and i looked at things as how they would effect me.
and i saw things from how we might be able to build a life together too.
and i think she was doing the same thing, but we were looking at different things - it's like our sites weren't focused on the same aspects of what it meant to try and build a life together.
she was all emotional, and no practical.
i was all practical and no emotional.
both compliments, and not, at the same time.

practically, i want a security clearance, and i want a job that does government work, and practically speaking, i can't have someone as my partner who doesn't respect how they reflect on my charecter, or how what they do can put me in a position to be blackmailed.
because if she was my partner, and she was doing drugs, i could be blackmailed through her - and that makes me a compromising situation, and that risks my future with a clearance.
because if she was doing something illegal, someone could threaten to throw her in jail for it, to try and get me to do something, and because she's trans - it could turn into a very ugly, painful, harmful, situation for both of us.
and i don't know if i could let that happen - i don't know if i could accept the responsibility of harm like that coming to her because i was upholding my honor to my job.
and that makes me a risk.
and while that type of threat could happen even if she wasn't doing something illegal - there's really not reason to make it easier for it to happen.

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Nov. 8th, 2010 10:07 am
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this is hard for me.
people i know casually talking about pot
talking about their experiences with it, and whether or not they like it as though it's no big deal.
this is hard for me.
maybe it's not a big deal.
some people do it, some people don't.
they don't think of it as a crime or something morally apprehensive.
it's just something that exists in the world - neutral of morality.
but i struggle to hear these conversations and not feel judgment towards them.
i struggle to not condemn people for exploring these things and not also condemning them.
they know the risks involved, they talk about the 3 years clean you must have to get a government job.
they talk about the lie detector tests, and the interviews, and the risks of not getting a job if you do smoke pot.
but they don't think of it as something that should be considered wrong to do, or to have done.
they don't think of it as something bad, just something you can't do if you want certain jobs.
they accept the rules in the world, but not the judgments from them.
i struggle to find common ground in these conversations. a way to participate without condemning or betraying myself.
i struggle not to reject the conversation that is happening around me, or to try and end it.
and maybe that's my struggle.
maybe i must find a way to be comfortable in conversations that aren't in my comfort level.
maybe i must find a way to be present without being a contributor.
i tend to reject things that scare me.
and things i can't participate in scare me because i fear rejection.
so i reject those things that make me afraid i will be rejected.
but if i carry through on those impulses, i will get myself rejected more surely than just listening and waiting for something new to come up.
and i struggle with my own paranoia.
the belief that it is wrong and that we will be judged for the conversations.
the shock that something i consider taboo would be discussed so openly in public.
i struggle with resisting my own tendency to panic, then judge and resist the conversation.
i struggle to do something different, something more open, something more giving, something more caring, something more accepting of the people i'm socializing with.
i struggle to change my patterns, and give people the acceptance i also want.
i struggle to stop the judging.
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maggie said that she believes zoe and i didn't know how to communicate about issues.
she said that she doesn't allow drugs in her house, or her car.
if she can get arrested for it, or would need to provide bail for someone else who got arrested for it, she doesn't want it around.
she said that having different standards on drug use for my friends and my girlfriend is ok because i'm trying to make a life with her. i'm trying to live with her.
i'm not trying to make a life with my friends.
she said that there were some drugs that really were only for religious use. paeoti was one she mentioned.
she said that if someone wants to use that she's ok with it, but it's not allowed in her house, or her car.

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i asked my mother tonight about whether it was possible to respect my own values and things I want from myself and still respect someone else for not sharing my values.
i asked her how i could do that.
she said it was a good question and that there were many different ways to go through life and that since no one really knows the right way, no one should be afraid to do what they see as their goals and their methods.
she agreed that just because one person, may have had a bad experience with a choice doesn't mean another person will have the same experience.

i appologized to her for resenting her for the choices she made in her life that i saw as affecting me.
and i appologized for the hatred that i've had for those choices.
i told her that i needed to accept that she produces something people value on a social and emotional level and that those values are possibly more important than financial ones, but certainly not less.

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