drugs - the next part in the series

[outofsynch]

it's not about the drugs but it is at the same time.
it's about us being in different places in our lives, and the drugs represent that very well.
it's about us having different values for things and different wants in our lives.
it's about us focusing on different things from different perspectives.
i don't think i was completely selfless. i saw things from how they effected me and i looked at things as how they would effect me.
and i saw things from how we might be able to build a life together too.
and i think she was doing the same thing, but we were looking at different things - it's like our sites weren't focused on the same aspects of what it meant to try and build a life together.
she was all emotional, and no practical.
i was all practical and no emotional.
both compliments, and not, at the same time.

practically, i want a security clearance, and i want a job that does government work, and practically speaking, i can't have someone as my partner who doesn't respect how they reflect on my charecter, or how what they do can put me in a position to be blackmailed.
because if she was my partner, and she was doing drugs, i could be blackmailed through her - and that makes me a compromising situation, and that risks my future with a clearance.
because if she was doing something illegal, someone could threaten to throw her in jail for it, to try and get me to do something, and because she's trans - it could turn into a very ugly, painful, harmful, situation for both of us.
and i don't know if i could let that happen - i don't know if i could accept the responsibility of harm like that coming to her because i was upholding my honor to my job.
and that makes me a risk.
and while that type of threat could happen even if she wasn't doing something illegal - there's really not reason to make it easier for it to happen.

emotionally, i've struggled to respect these substances, and the stance i circle back to is that i have no respect for drugs, i have no personal value in their use - medicinally or otherwise. and she does. she defends them. she respects them and finds value in them.
and we will never agree on that.

i have never wanted to date someone who was actively doing drugs, and i've never been comfortable with the idea of dating someone who still considered drug use acceptable for themselves.
and she does - or at least did when we talked about it a year ago.
and does if she's asking me to consider her use of this substance that she won't name for me.
she told me at the beginning of 2009 that her friends who she played rockband with, and who she did other social activities with had offered her pot, and that she had no desire to do them, but would have been ok doing it. but that "it would have been for old times sake".
she idicated that she has not personally decided that she doesn't want drugs in her life.
she hasn't personally decided that she doesn't need to do drugs and is never going to do them again.
she's still ok with doing drugs, even if she is not currently doing them.

and she told me that she didn't smoke up with her friends because she knew i was opposed to the idea.
she stopped a behavior, taht she was ok with doing, because of me and my morals.
and
i'm not ok with that position.
i'm not ok with being the excuse she uses, or the reason she uses, to not do something she hasn't personally decided she doesn't want to do.

she wants to talk to me. she want the chance to explain her side of things and why she values this drug and it's use.
and if she feels heard, then she will 100% accept my rejection of her usage and never bring it up again, and never do it.
but she won't be doing that because of a personal decision and a personal value about the substance.
she won't be turning away from it because she decided she doesn't need it in her life, and she's moved beyond that stage of her maturity.
she'll turn away because of me.
and i don't want to be her reason - i don't want to be her external reason for deciding she doesn't want something in her life.
i don't want to be put in a position where she can feel or say that she gave up drugs for me.
that doesn't make me feel good. and it makes me feel like i have something hanging over my head.
i was talking to one of my roomates friends and she said that it puts me in a position to be guilted about it later. even if she isn't doing it now, her giving up drugs for me would give her the access to guilt me about it later.
and i don't want to be in that position.
it doesn't make me feel safe.
and i need to feel safe in my relationship.

and my friend stacey says that i need to respect myself more than to consider compromising on my values for a woman - no matter how i might feel about her right now.
stacey - whose known me since i was 17.
stacey - whose done a lot of drugs, and has stories about them, and has seen friends die, and go to jail because of them.
stacey - who decided she had reached a point in her life where she didn't want those drugs in her life anymore. who told me she wasn't that young, imature, kid anymore.
who said that she knows people do drugs for a lot of reasons, some say they get closer to themselves....she did them for fun, and because it made her feel artistic.
she decided she was too old for experimenting and realized drugs weren't something she wanted in her life.
and my roomate's friend - who went to college in the 60's. who did a lot of drugs, and was laughing about stories of smelling colors with her feet during a trip - she said it was an experimental stage in her life, and everyone goes through it - but you grow out of it and you move on and away from it eventually.
and the people i know have chosen for themselves that drugs aren't what they want in their lives.
and zoe doesn't have that reason.
she's not at that place in her life right now.
and i don't want to be in a position to be her reason - because it makes me feel precarious. external reason can become resented or abandoned with time, they aren't stable and i crave stability.

stacey said that as my friend, she wouldn't want to see me in a relationship with someone who put me in a situation to potentially disrespect my position.
and she said that knowing someone does drugs is a turn-off for her. she doesn't want it in her life - even being someone who did a lot of them. she doesn't want to date a person who is doing drugs.
and me being someone who never experimented, who never tried them, she doesn't think i'm in anyway prepared for what dating someone who is doing drugs can bring into my life. and she doesn't want to see me take those risks - because i don't know what i would be getting into.

and both of these women, who have done drugs and feel no shame about it, both said that we aren't in the same place right now, and there's no reason to consider a relationship because it isn't going to work.
they both said that she sounds like she's in a different stage of her life, and that i'm beyond it.
and they both said that if we aren't on the same level as far as our lives, and our goals, and how we are thinking about the future, then there is no future.

and stacey said that it sounds like i'm being asked to compromise my level for someone who isn't even at the same level as me. someone who hasn't grown out of that drug-use yet.
and stacey doesn't want to see me compromise myself like that for a relationship.

and we both think compromising ourselves, or our values, is bad for us, and for any relationship we might be in.

maggie says zoe just wants to be heard and that she just wants me to respect where she is coming from on the issue.
and i don't think i can.
i don't know if i'm in a place where i can even respect where she might be coming from.
and there are so many other things i can't respect, or accept about this subject that i'm not sure respecting where she's coming from is a place i can be in.
and i couldn't respect her giving up something because of my values instead of her own.

so, maybe it is about the drugs. and about so much more.
but we still don't have much of a future until she can let go of where she's at and grow up a little more.

stalled lives.......and a lack of motivation.

so much in there echos over these thoughts.
maturity to work for financial independence
maturity to work for a goal instead of just talking about it.
maturity to stick to a plan and finish it in the time you say.
maturity to consider the long-term goals and to adequately plan for them.
maturity to honor your debts and pay them on time.
maturity to be reliable in your follow-through and to value people's expectations of you.
maturity to stop accepting excuses for yourself.