music

music is important to me. it speaks to me and touches my soul.
the things that i like, i like because they have touched me in some way.
they filled a need or a voice that I had in my life and wasn't filling myself.
that's why music is so personal to me.
and why it's so hard for me to hear criticisms of what i like to listen to. songs that make me smile, that make me remenise, that make me whistful, that make me dance, that make me proud, that make me defiant, it's hard for me to share with people because sharing opens me up to their critiques. it also opens me up to their acceptance, but i've been afraid of the criticisms too much to be open for acceptance.

i have cd's and songs i won't listen to if people are around. i'm ashamed of what i like.
and i have songs that i quit listening to when zoe and i got closer because she criticized them, even if she didn't criticize me. it made me feel like my taste wasn't as good as hers, like i wasn't refined enough to have the same low opinions of them or hear how they were failing to add to the world of music.
it hurt. and so i tucked away my likes and the things that made me smile, and i put away another part of myself.
and i didn't say anything.
how do i stand up for something that i'm barely strong enough to admit i have?

so i want to make her a cd of the things that i like. the songs that speak to me. maybe it will help her get to know me so we can start a conversation and re-build our relationship.
i know there are other things going on in all of this, but she gets to decide what's important to her and where she's willing to bend as well. the only thing i can do is hope that she thinks this is workable too and hope that the points i'm coming to are acceptable and respectful of her as a person and an artist.
the only thing i can do is hope.
and make a song list of my deepest secrets.