(no subject)

maggie, nikki, and re all agree that i am and can be a very rigid person. for them plans, expectations and decisions all get heavy doses of compassion for people when things come up, or things happen that mean things have to change. for them, it's about the person involved more than it's about the plans, or the expectations.
re says it doesn't occur to her to resent her mother for the plays she has to sit through because the plays aren't about re - they are about her mother and it is something her mother enjoys and something her mother values and 3 hours of re's time is worth seeing her mother happy and giving her mother that moment of value.
maggie says that when plans change, or people don't follow through on what I expect of them I already give them compassion and tact. I flex around the plans to make new ones without holding it against the person in question. But I need to be more consistent and more aware of situations when I start to get bogged down in how things aren't going the way I wanted them to go. I need more compassion in my expectations and plans.

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y.o.u.

i've been thinking a lot about Y.O.U lately. we were always about love and acceptance there too. it was about the person, and never about what you did or the choices you made.
i always valued the conferences because of the unconditional love, and the welcoming environment, and the freedom to be myself and know that i was accepted.
we gave each other love, we appreciated who each of us was for what was inside, we embrased the world, and loved nature, and created enviroments where love was every where you turned and inside everyone you met.

and i've missed that in my life recently. i've walked away from that part of who i was and who i am. i've let go of the message that was the only message - we are love.

maggie says i have a corporate stick shoved up my ass. hopefully our mental health day this week will happen and be good for me. it would be enlightening and enriching to get back in touch with the part of me that learned to love the world and to simply BE love.

i think i didn't show zoe the most important part of me - and that's the spiritual, loving, and accepting part. i locked it away and then i lost it when i started grad school.
it would be hard for her to understand how i would want to go to playa del fuego if she has never seen this very large part of who i am and what my life was like.
it would be hard for me to go with a group of people i've never interacted with and never met before too.
it appears that i've also let myself get stuck in a mind rutt that "i am afraid of new situations". there are things i do that are so restrictive and this is one of them.
i need to remember who i was before i started school - i need to get back in touch with that girl.