being gay

Oct. 27th, 2010 09:08 pm
outofsynch: (Default)
[personal profile] outofsynch
group tonight was about building the support i will need to develop self- acceptance.
my therapist said that i seem to want to tackle the very large problem of my family not accepting who i am.
but that i need to start smaller by accepting that i am living in dc and dc is one of the most liberal cities in the world, and that my generation, and generations after me are more liberal and more accepting of gay people than my grandparents generation and my mother's generation.
michelle said that the group last week gave her a lot because she had a breakthrough that the world isn't going to change for us, but i can change how i interact with the world.
she started reaching out to people for help and support dealing with the possibility that she might develop a mental illness and she found some people who weren't interested and some people who were. and they became closer because of it and this problem wasn't only hers anymore and she had people there to support her with it as she deals with it.
shelly said that what michelle was offering me is a tool to work with my acceptance that i'm gay.
she said that if i don't share myself with people and if i don't share my life with them, then they can't support me, and they can't express their acceptance of me. so i remain alone with my issue and have no way of dealing with it or the world's reaction to me.
i have issues being gay in the world, and i have issues being gay socially.
i have a problem with the idea of bringing my girlfriend to work functions or out with people that i work with.
but if i shared that i was gay with people, and if i talked about my girlfriend with them, then they would be able to say they wanted to meet her, and they would be able to express their acceptance of me and that i was gay.
and by them expressing that they want to meet my girlfriend, i would have the support i needed to bring her to events and be myself in the world.
but if i don't share myself with them, i am not giving them the information they need in order to support me.
and if i share who i am with people, and i share about being gay, and about my family's resentment of my gayness, then i can build a support network to help me be gay around my family.
but shelly and bea said that i need to accept that i am living in dc and that i am not living in louisiana. and that i need to accept and appreciate that i am living in a liberal and socially accepting environment.
and i told them it was what zoe had been saying to me recently.
shelly said that if i can build a network of support here, with people i work with, and with people i know, then that network can support me to be myself with my family, but that my family is not the thing i should take on first.

i need to share myself with people around me. i need to share about my girlfriend with the people around me. i need to develop a network of supportive people, and i need to practice being accepted by them so that i can do it for myself.

and i don't want to go home for christmas anymore. i haven't wanted to go back for a couple of years, but i keep doing it because i feel it is expected of me. but i don't want to go home any more.
and they said it was ok. that it isn't wrong of me to not want to be there.
it's ok for me to want to stay in a loving place and not put myself in an enviroment that doesn't accept who i am.

and so i'm thinking about making other plans for christmas.
maggie said she would be here for christmas so i could spend it with her.
maggie also said i need to stop living my life in fear.
i think that can happen slowly, bit by bit, if i start reaching out to people, and letting them see me, and letting them know that i am gay so that they can accept me and want to meet my girlfriend. and then i would be able to share my girlfriend with my world and i would not be alone with my guilt and my shame and my embarassment about being gay.

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