May. 17th, 2011

outofsynch: (Default)
i heard your happy now
got something you need
got something you want
got something you're enjoying

can we please start over
can we work it out
can we find a way to be together
and last forever
just give it one more try

i don't want to live without you
i don't want to breathe without you
there by my side

i just want to hold your hand
and take a stand
and be proud of who i am
and be with you

i heard you found someone to hold you
someone to support you
someone who can understand you
won't repremand you
and gives you what you need

can't we please start over
can we work it out
can we find a way to be together
and last forever
and give it one more try

can we please
outofsynch: (Default)
old blogs are interesting. and useful i imagine.
i read old writings. old things about complaints and frustrations and i look at them and go "why didn't i wake up" and more to the point, "why do i think it could be different. why do i think i could change?"

i want things to be different. i want the past to be happy, and loving, the way it was sometimes. and i want the gripes to be minimized compared to the love and happiness.
what if that isn't possible?
maybe i'm delusional like nikki says. looking at the past with rose-tinted glasses because it's the past and i want to remember what was happy instead of what was making me crazy and hurting me.
and i know i try to rationalize the past. find things that i could have done to make the gripes less, make things work out differently, if only i'd been in a different place, if only i'd been a different person.

but that begs the question. am i a different person now? what if I'm not? what if I can't change or haven't changed? that would leave me right where i was before. and where i was before isn't good.
and i don't know how to tell if i have changed or just convinced myself that i've changed, and maybe it's not a good idea to ask someone to be my personal experiment on that. what's the point of ruining someones chances at a good life with someone else if i'm still the same?

old journals are good to read, but they make me feel guilty, and like a bad person. i complained too much, and never really did work on the issues to change them or improve things. and if that hasn't changed, then i won't get anywhere.

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