wants

[outofsynch]

i want to go to playa del fuego with her.
the night we were breaking up she was telling me about her experiences there.
about the self-expression and the love and the appreciation and i wanted to go.
i wanted to be a part of it.
and she was breaking up with me.

but i want to go.
i want to have that part of my life again.
i haven't had something like Y.O.U. since I left and i've missed that part of my life.

i also haven't given zoe a chance to meet that part of me and i think she needs to.
going to this would be the easiest and surest way to introduce her to the deepest part of who i am. the part i hide, and that i have spent time being ashamed of.
the truest nature, and the hardest to show.

i haven't let her get to meet me.
i haven't let myself be me in a while.

they have another conference next year, and i want to go.
i want a lot of things right now.

nikki was asking me why i gave up the spiritual bits and the loving bits of myself and she said she would be surprised if zoe knew any of this about me.

and lying here, needing my girlfriend, needing zoe because not sharing my life with her is like twisting a knife in my heart each day, it hit me like a log falling on my head.
i haven't let anyone get to know me, and by doing that i've failed to fully love myself and share my love with the people I'm with.
i can't fault people for leaving me when i didn't let them truly be with me.

and right now i want to magically be in a place where i can talk to zoe. where we can share our revelations and our thoughts and where we are right now.
and i want to ask her if she will let me work towards getting our relationship back. i want to know that if i work hard enough and if i do well enough I can get her back.
because i've loved her since i saw her.
i play it down and i talk poorly about the situtation, but the reality is that i wanted to be with her the moment i saw her and that has never really changed.

she said that she didn't think i really wanted to be with her.
when we were breaking up.
my roomate asked me if i still wanted to hold her and squeeze her and i said yes.
and she asked me if that was really true because lately she hadn't felt like it was.
and i think it's painful to be in a relationship where you don't feel wanted and desired and i think i'm an awful person for giving her that impression.
and i think i'm a lazy person for letting myself stop remembering how much she means to me.
and i think i've been too busy and it's gotten in the way of my life.

i want to quit my second job. i want to stop being so "nose to the grindstone" resilient and stubborn and just be able to spend time with her and get to know her friends and do things together.
i've been living for my job instead of living for my life.
i was using the job to help me save money for her surgery. but without her there's no reason to save, and i'd rather be with her and not saving as much than not have her at all.
and if i was working less i'd have more time for me again, so i could be more flexible with my workload from school and take care of my needs and still be with her in spirit instead of just in body.
i think she told me that working less would be good for me.
and i didn't listen to her.
i never listen to her until i'm ready.
and my life still requires being hit by a 2x4 to get my attention.
this isn't my favorite way to do things though, and i need a better trigger than loosing the woman i love to lessons i'm refusing to hear to get me to move on things.

nikki says that it's only been two weeks and i can't think about any sort of future because i haven't had enough time to really think about anything at all or get anything done regarding the changes i want to make in myself.
and i know that she's right.
and i know that i need more time before i can say with solid proof that i deserve to be with her.

i know that when taken as a whole, when all of me is counted and not just that bit i've let live for the last two years, i am worthy of her. i know that.
but i don't know how to show myself that i deserve her.
and i know that i also need to show her that i deserve her.

but i don't know what to do to show, to prove, that i deserve her.

maggie says i should wait two years. that she needs to do things to be on the same page in her life as i am. maggie and vera said that we are in two completely different places right now.
and we are, but i am questioning whether or not that really matters anymore.
i'm exporing my goals and my judgements and my wants from my life and i've been exploring how these things should be reflected in other people, and talking with my mom is helping me aknowledge and accept that what a person does with their life, and who a person is, has more value than what milestones they reach, or how much money they make, or what they do to make that money.
 i mean, she's not a drug dealer. she's not doing illegal things to make money, and she's trying to live her life as a good person and she has been turing her life around in front of my eyes.
and i haven't really appreciated how hard that is.
i know how hard it is, but i haven't appreciated the work that takes and how she's doing it.

but i want to go to playa del fuego with her.
i want to go, and i want to ask her to let me come with her.
but i don't know if she would be ok with it.
i don't know if her friends would accept me considering what i've said to her and what i've put her through before the last trip.

and i think we both have friends telling us that we are better off by ourselves right now. but i don't want to improve myself by myself.
i want to continue this journey and find ways to get back in touch with who i am, but i want, i really want, to do it with her in my life.

she told me i needed a hobby. we were talking about when i use to play the trumpet. i told her i didn't have time for a hobby right now and she said it would be good for me.
i think denying myself those outlets has been bad for us, and i think she saw it and was trying to help me keep things together.
and i brushed her off.

so i drew her a picture. it's what made me start crying again. drawing a picture to give to her to tell her i hope she continues to blossom in the new year.
because i don't actually expect to get to talk to her before the holidays are over. and as much as i would love to have something to be thankful for, i don't think i'll get to spend that thursday night with her either.
so i was going to give her a picture after the new year, just telling her i hope she continues to blossom.

and at night i'm racked by fear and pain and the belief that one day someone's going to tell me she has a new girlfriend
and my world is going to collapse.
and at 2 am she'll be off work in 30 minutes and i want, so desperately want, to have her talking to me when she's done. and i know it isn't going to happen.