The Edges of Normal

it's scary.

you know what's scary?

how much some of these articles sound like my childhood.
http://www.aspergerssyndrome.net/
http://www.nativeremedies.com/ailment/aspergers-syndrome-asperger-disorder.html
http://www.webmd.com/brain/autism/mental-health-aspergers-syndrome

it all makes me question my life. my self. my expectations of my self.

and then, what if it's true?

does it do any good to have a diagnosis for a social disorder that isn't really treatable except by changes in the behaviors and expectations of people around you?
meaning that it isn't something you can control or effect, but the people around you are required to adjust to in some way?

or what if i'm just insensitive, awkward, and emotionally retarded? what if it isn't really any one cause and just that i've never wanted to have to do what people tell me i need to do to get along and function in the world and in relationships?

i do wonder why i have such an obsession with social skills and why it's so hard for me to communicate and express my self. i wonder all the time.

and i wonder, or think, that maybe everyone has these troubles. maybe everyone struggles. they just push themselves through it and i never bothered to try. wasn't told i had to try when it would have been easier.

i wonder why my head starts roaring when things get emotionally tense. why it feels like i'm searching through a fog for a tool box that has been moved from the place that i left it.
i wonder why i feel exasperated and defeated when things start running to quickly in conversations or fights for me to keep up and respond and understand what to say.
i wonder if everyone feels defeated when the person you love starts fighting at you and yelling at you and telling you that no one else thinks the way you do and everyone else is easy to communicate with.
i think that would be universal feeling - but maybe everyone else doesn't actually have to be told that because it isn't true for them. maybe it's just me.

and then what would that mean? what good does it do to have a label that says you are socially defunct and other people have to adjust if they want to be around you?
who would want to do that?