acceptances

[outofsynch]

can i accept the way some people will think about her and not allow that to affect the way that i think about her?

i think in order to do that i need to come to terms with my own judgements towards her and be secure in those acceptances and terms.
without that i won't be able to guarantee that i can stand up to other people's opinions and points of view.

so. we come to terms with them.

when i look at zoe i see an artist.
and i see a societal rebel.
i see someone who dresses in a way that makes her feel good, even though people can see a slut or whore.
when i look at zoe i see a person who doesn't value the step by step process society wants us to follow.
i see a person who doesn't want to fit in or care if she does.
i see a person who doesn't want a normal job, and who doesn't want friends from the raquet club.
i see a person who doesn't want to feel comfortable in suits.
i see a person who likes making prudish people uncomfortable when they look at her.

when i think about zoe, i think about someone who is ok failing high school.
i think about someone who doesn't care what she hasn't done in her life to follow the main educational path.

i see a person who is dimissed by conservative personalities because she looks like a rebel.
they then attribute drug habits, and frivioulous sex, and no job, and an inability to hold down a job, and a lack of respect for authority to her.
i think some of these things are true - but not to the same extent that i believe they would think.
am i ok with this?
how can i be with a person like this? that's the next question.
how are we together?
does she reflect on me and how i am in the world?
people will see someone who isn't worth respecting in their eyes.
the may see a leach
they will see a failure.
is it ok?
can i see people consider her a failure and not believe it also?
can i see people attribute drugs and sex to her and not be defensive about it?
defensive is when i feel guilty or have something to hide.
defensive is when i feel ashamed.
can i see people attribute drugs and sex to her and not be ashamed?
can i acknowledge her as a sucess even as other people see her as a failure?
can i accept that people in my family will not see her as my equal?
in regard to education, future potential
they will look down on her.
they will not value in me the qualities that help me accept her and what she is doing with her life.
they will see me as a failure because i did not reject her.
they could be cruel and rude, and it would become a fight if i said something about it. and they would reject me for not accepting their criticisms.
can i be ok with possibly loosing part of my family because i would not accept their rude behavior towards her?
i am not ok with loosing my family.
i am not certain it would come to that.

but ms gwen would value me and would value those qualities in me.
my mother would value those qualities in me
cree expects those qualities in me.
my friends would not think to consider me a sucess or a failure based on her as a choice for me.
i do not believe my sister would judge me for choosing her.

yes. i can accept her in the face of other people's criticisms.
but i am not ok with loosing my family to their criticisms of her.
yes. i can see her as a worthy human being when others see her as a failure.
i do not have to value social expectations when i decide her value as a human being.

can i bring her as my date to networking events without being ashamed that i'm bringing a woman?
does bringing her and the type of woman she is cause me more shame?
no, the type of woman she is does not cause me more shame.
but i would be ashamed to bring a woman.

can i accept zoe?
yes.
can i accept me and being aknowledged as a lesbian?
no.