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it's not about the drugs but it is at the same time.
it's about us being in different places in our lives, and the drugs represent that very well.
it's about us having different values for things and different wants in our lives.
it's about us focusing on different things from different perspectives.
i don't think i was completely selfless. i saw things from how they effected me and i looked at things as how they would effect me.
and i saw things from how we might be able to build a life together too.
and i think she was doing the same thing, but we were looking at different things - it's like our sites weren't focused on the same aspects of what it meant to try and build a life together.
she was all emotional, and no practical.
i was all practical and no emotional.
both compliments, and not, at the same time.

practically, i want a security clearance, and i want a job that does government work, and practically speaking, i can't have someone as my partner who doesn't respect how they reflect on my charecter, or how what they do can put me in a position to be blackmailed.
because if she was my partner, and she was doing drugs, i could be blackmailed through her - and that makes me a compromising situation, and that risks my future with a clearance.
because if she was doing something illegal, someone could threaten to throw her in jail for it, to try and get me to do something, and because she's trans - it could turn into a very ugly, painful, harmful, situation for both of us.
and i don't know if i could let that happen - i don't know if i could accept the responsibility of harm like that coming to her because i was upholding my honor to my job.
and that makes me a risk.
and while that type of threat could happen even if she wasn't doing something illegal - there's really not reason to make it easier for it to happen.

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April 2013


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