outofsynch: (Default)
i walked away. finally. i walked away.
i got to end it with her asking for something and me saying no.
it's petty, but it felt good. and it gave me the ending i needed to move on.
finally. i have moved on.

to then shop okcupid like it was my second job.
i'm embarassed that online dating sites are where i've gone too mostly because i still think of them as pathetic.
but it seemed like the best place for me to meet someone given that i'm interested in people who aren't interested in bars, and then where do you meet these people, you know?

and so we start a new page.
and a new person, found via said online dating site.
and my roommate thanked her for making me "so happy".

high school-style infatuation is fun.
i'm waiting for it to burn off and see what's actually there.
i told my mother i was twitter-patted though and then bounced my head off the dashboard because i had to explain the Bambi reference to her.

and the other i have stated i never want to see again.
never is a strong word and i'm sure it won't last like that, but it's where i am right now.
to the point of telling the one mutual friend we have left that i do not want to be invited to parties that she will be going to.

one mutual friend. because i cut the rest out of my life like loose paper shreddings.
i've spent my life walking away from things i valued and cared about so often that i almost have no actual attachment to the permanency of people now.
i think about the weaver stories. about how our lives are threads through the fabrics of time. and they cross, mingle, part, or never meet according to the weaver's pattern. and i am reminded that a person will stay only so long as our threads are mingled, but we will never truly be part of each other as two threads can never be part of each other in the greater pattern.

maybe i should look for more positive lights in the stories about love. it'd be nice to travel with one other person for a length of time and make a life together. it would be really nice.

outofsynch: (Default)
i learned something today.
something i hope to remember.
the relationship i had with my mom growing up was one where i took care of the morning things to get certain fuctions done.
i woke her up, made coffee, took care of breakfast etc.
and in return she tried to meet my wants and take care of my needs that i expressed.
to me this sounds like a good relationship. overall, we both gave to each other and we both received from each other.
we fought, we argued, we cried, we did our best for each other, we supported each other, and we stayed together for a long time.
if that was describing any other relationship except a mother-daughter one, it would be fine and sound like a decent relationship.
the tricky part begins because i was younger than i should have been for this kind of relationship, but that doesn't mean the relationship itself, the way it was constructed, at its core, was wrong or bad.

for a while now i've tried to think there was something wrong with that set-up, and i believed it was the relationship itself, instead of my age, and the mother-daughter dynamic. and i haven't given to others in a relationship that way because i've judged it poorly.

in the end, holding back from giving like that ultimately ruined me, every time. and i think, the next time i get a chance to do this whole relationship thing, i'll remember that giving and receiving and relying on each other is part of what makes a relationship good. and i do have a model for how to make it work. and this time, at this age, the context is proper for the content of the relationship.
that makes me hopeful now. that perhaps i can do this and make it work.
here's hoping i recall this, and am able to apply it.
here's hoping i'm also right.
and a guide through the murky waters of making a relationship last is always welcome, beneficial, and appreciated (if you're listening universe).
outofsynch: (Default)
i had a visit from my past last week and realized why i left it there.
the shell of a human i once was filled out and needs more from my relationships than before.
sadly, the relationship had not evolved as i, and left me wanting in several regards.

but i saw a bit of where i began in her. the black and white sexuality categories; the need to be surrounded by people from the same "community" i once felt I was obligated to.
and i am greatful that i have expanded out of that.
that "community" to me consists of humans, and not simply those that classify themselves as "gay".

and i am greatful that my life has expanded beyond the value of who wants to get in my pants and how many women i make out with. i am greatful that my life receives value from my friends, and coffee dates, gazing at the stars under a blanket, and watching silly tv shows with others.
I am greatful that i can laugh and dance, and see myself as a person, as a human, and not as a sexual object. i am greatful that when i need a hug, or a listening ear, there are people i can turn to who will listen and help me grow instead of tuning me out.
i am greatful for the life i have and have been building.
and i am greatful to have this chance to look at myself anew and appreciate the things i've grown into, and the shell that i've left behind.

to the reader who will never bother:
your "southern charm" is abrassive and rude.
people are not obligated to provide you with everything you want, and addressing them as though this were true embarasses me for you, and offends me when you direct it at me.
i find it quaint that you see yourself on a pedistal above me when it comes to this regard and say that i should "let you handle the talking" because I will offend someone with my mannerisms.
if ever i allow you to grace my premises again, try to see me as less of a chaufer to your whims and more as a companion that you want to spend time with and talk to.

and as a note on your observation skills:
the toilet seat goes down when you are finished. i shall assume you didn't hear me when i asked you to put it down in the beginning and defer to the following - if it is down when you go in there, and i make a point of putting it down every time after you leave, kindly take notice and put the effort into the action yourself.


Dec. 18th, 2010 05:44 pm
outofsynch: (Default)
the end of a relationship is like loosing an arm.
you miss it - what it did for you, what you got to do with it.
and when your not looking, sometimes it still feels like its there, then you look, and you don't see it. you remember that it's gone and the pain of the loss is fresh again. You wish that you could stem the pain, stop the bleeding, stop remembering how you lost it, but you can't.
and you know that, with time, the pain will dwindle to an ache, you'll make due, fill the gap in your life where that arm use to be, find ways to work around its absence, find new ways to do old things. but how much time you'll need to get there isn't laid out for you. all the people who are there to help you can't tell you, or make it happen faster, or make it easier in the mean time.
so you just keep going, day to day, wishing the pain would stop, wishing you didn't miss it, wishing you didn't still try to do things with it, or expect it to be there - the way it always use to be there.
and sometimes it still bleeds a little, and sometimes i wish i could just put things back the way they use to be, except that i don't want things to be the way they use to be, i want things to be better, and stemming the flow of blood with a patch, trying to put it back together, doesn't actually fix anything. and so the only thing i can do is wait.
wait for the bleeding to stop, wait for the ache to come, wait to stop looking for her whenever something good happens or i want to do something fun, wait to stop missing the way she held me, wait to stop trying to call her when i get a chance to relax from my life. i just have to wait to stop wishing to share in her life or that she could share in mine.


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