outofsynch: (Default)
it occurs to me that "lesbians" who date men and maintain their ownership of the "lesbian" label really piss me off. I think this compounded an already horrific experience to make for a very bad whirlwind.

it also occurs to me that being dumped for a guy hurts way more and pisses me off extremely more than being dumped for a girl.

i am not certain what to do with this information.
or the peace and sense of world order being re-established that i feel at this moment.

i do not think i will do anything with my recently found lack of hostility and disgust though. these aren't emotions to take lightly and i feel they may linger still even though they are sleeping. if i can't let them go and keep from using them as a lash against people, i shouldn't temp the tiger. (so to speak)
outofsynch: (Default)
i had a dream about you today.
you said I was still in love with you
and then asked me if that felt true.
and I said, "yeah, it probably is true."

and in my dream i could still remember the shape of your body
the touch of your skin
the feel of your hair in my hands

and i remembered it all in my dream
as I listened to you talk on the phone about mundane things
and then I gave you a supportive hug
and said 
I thought you were a good mother.
I guess you never really get over your firsts.
outofsynch: (Default)
i keep thinking about the hospital today.
i keep seeing him kiss her
i keep hearing him say "i love you sweety" and talk about their future kids.

i wish the memories would just go away.

i wish the harmones would stop playing with my mind. this shit is annoying.


Sep. 1st, 2010 12:39 pm
outofsynch: (Default)
i've not use accessories in horizontal activities often (read s- e- x-)
usually it happens because the girl i'm with wants to, or misses something, or is curious.
so, it's easy for me to forget that i've ever actually done it at all. which is why this memory caught me completely off guard.

one of my ex'es and i bought a strap-on (that I returned to her when we broke up via a mutual friend). she'd been with a guy for something like 3 years and missed the physical connection that positioning affords (harder to mimic when - well - you're using your tongue) .
so, the memory that surfaced recently was the first time we used it and the way she was reacting** - so completely over the top *think porno noises* and exuberant - and then this phrase "aye, aye! aye mami!!"

which now is circling around in my head and giving me this awkward chuckle every once in a while.

** it was later noted that when you sleep with guys who get it wrong so often that you're use to faking, you have to be even more appreciative when they actually do something right so that they don't stop....hence *porno noises*


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