outofsynch: (Default)
i walked away. finally. i walked away.
i got to end it with her asking for something and me saying no.
it's petty, but it felt good. and it gave me the ending i needed to move on.
finally. i have moved on.

to then shop okcupid like it was my second job.
i'm embarassed that online dating sites are where i've gone too mostly because i still think of them as pathetic.
but it seemed like the best place for me to meet someone given that i'm interested in people who aren't interested in bars, and then where do you meet these people, you know?

and so we start a new page.
and a new person, found via said online dating site.
and my roommate thanked her for making me "so happy".

high school-style infatuation is fun.
i'm waiting for it to burn off and see what's actually there.
i told my mother i was twitter-patted though and then bounced my head off the dashboard because i had to explain the Bambi reference to her.

and the other i have stated i never want to see again.
never is a strong word and i'm sure it won't last like that, but it's where i am right now.
to the point of telling the one mutual friend we have left that i do not want to be invited to parties that she will be going to.

one mutual friend. because i cut the rest out of my life like loose paper shreddings.
i've spent my life walking away from things i valued and cared about so often that i almost have no actual attachment to the permanency of people now.
i think about the weaver stories. about how our lives are threads through the fabrics of time. and they cross, mingle, part, or never meet according to the weaver's pattern. and i am reminded that a person will stay only so long as our threads are mingled, but we will never truly be part of each other as two threads can never be part of each other in the greater pattern.

maybe i should look for more positive lights in the stories about love. it'd be nice to travel with one other person for a length of time and make a life together. it would be really nice.

outofsynch: (Default)
old blogs are interesting. and useful i imagine.
i read old writings. old things about complaints and frustrations and i look at them and go "why didn't i wake up" and more to the point, "why do i think it could be different. why do i think i could change?"

i want things to be different. i want the past to be happy, and loving, the way it was sometimes. and i want the gripes to be minimized compared to the love and happiness.
what if that isn't possible?
maybe i'm delusional like nikki says. looking at the past with rose-tinted glasses because it's the past and i want to remember what was happy instead of what was making me crazy and hurting me.
and i know i try to rationalize the past. find things that i could have done to make the gripes less, make things work out differently, if only i'd been in a different place, if only i'd been a different person.

but that begs the question. am i a different person now? what if I'm not? what if I can't change or haven't changed? that would leave me right where i was before. and where i was before isn't good.
and i don't know how to tell if i have changed or just convinced myself that i've changed, and maybe it's not a good idea to ask someone to be my personal experiment on that. what's the point of ruining someones chances at a good life with someone else if i'm still the same?

old journals are good to read, but they make me feel guilty, and like a bad person. i complained too much, and never really did work on the issues to change them or improve things. and if that hasn't changed, then i won't get anywhere.
outofsynch: (Default)
i heard your happy now
got something you need
got something you want
got something you're enjoying

can we please start over
can we work it out
can we find a way to be together
and last forever
just give it one more try

i don't want to live without you
i don't want to breathe without you
there by my side

i just want to hold your hand
and take a stand
and be proud of who i am
and be with you

i heard you found someone to hold you
someone to support you
someone who can understand you
won't repremand you
and gives you what you need

can't we please start over
can we work it out
can we find a way to be together
and last forever
and give it one more try

can we please
outofsynch: (Default)
i learned something today.
something i hope to remember.
the relationship i had with my mom growing up was one where i took care of the morning things to get certain fuctions done.
i woke her up, made coffee, took care of breakfast etc.
and in return she tried to meet my wants and take care of my needs that i expressed.
to me this sounds like a good relationship. overall, we both gave to each other and we both received from each other.
we fought, we argued, we cried, we did our best for each other, we supported each other, and we stayed together for a long time.
if that was describing any other relationship except a mother-daughter one, it would be fine and sound like a decent relationship.
the tricky part begins because i was younger than i should have been for this kind of relationship, but that doesn't mean the relationship itself, the way it was constructed, at its core, was wrong or bad.

for a while now i've tried to think there was something wrong with that set-up, and i believed it was the relationship itself, instead of my age, and the mother-daughter dynamic. and i haven't given to others in a relationship that way because i've judged it poorly.

in the end, holding back from giving like that ultimately ruined me, every time. and i think, the next time i get a chance to do this whole relationship thing, i'll remember that giving and receiving and relying on each other is part of what makes a relationship good. and i do have a model for how to make it work. and this time, at this age, the context is proper for the content of the relationship.
that makes me hopeful now. that perhaps i can do this and make it work.
here's hoping i recall this, and am able to apply it.
here's hoping i'm also right.
and a guide through the murky waters of making a relationship last is always welcome, beneficial, and appreciated (if you're listening universe).
outofsynch: (Default)
she said,
"if you go into this with even a glimmer of hope, it'll eat away at you."
she said,
"are you even ready for this? have you healed enough to move forward? have you forgiven yourself yet?"
and she said,
"you take it one day at a time...you make a choice and see if you can handle it and if you can't, you make a different choice next time. you learn, and you grow."
outofsynch: (Default)
what i believe i need is financial stability and financial reliability. not a successful partner, but one i can rely on, solidly, day in and day out for a certain contribution to our financial responsibilities, and what that would mean for you is that, if it came down to a choice, you would have to choose making money over making art.
and i don't think that is a choice that is fair to you or what you want to do with your life.
i think you need someone who is ok with you being artsy, and flighty, and a little financially unstable.
and i think, that if you let me go, and let go of the idea that we are meant for each other, that you might find a woman who won't try to change who you are to meet her needs.
and you might find a partner who lets you be free, and lets you be who you are, without the fights, and the stress, and the worry about your futures.
i think i need more practicality than is good for you.
and i know i need a partner who is completely, 100%, satisfied with a life removed from drugs, no matter what the reasons, or rationales, there might be for using.

and i think, that when i can stop loving you so painfully; when i can stop wanting you with me to keep me safe from scary movies; when i can stop fighting myself about kissing you, or seeing you, or reasoning how to make us work;
i think that we can be good friends.
i think that we can respect each other, and who we are as people, when we aren't trying to meet our needs with each other, or making the other change to fit our needs.

i miss you, i love you.
i will always love you.
and i will try to respect you the best i can.
outofsynch: (Default)
i held your hand through your troubled walks i guided you, encouraged you, supported you to become who you are i wanted you to be who you could be saw the beauty locked inside your fear wished for the woman i hoped to love to be strong enough to overcome but now the bridge is burned you stand on the other side with our history to guide you for someone else to love the woman you can become i held your hand through troubled waters i walked with you to your identity and showed you who to talk to and how to meet your needs and when you got strong enough to seek on your own you left me new friends, new circles, new adventures awaited and supported you to be on your own helped you believe you were better without me helped you believe you could do it without me and few but i know how far you've come the distance you've traveled the name you were called or the struggle it took for you to be who you are and few but i know what it took to watch you to push you to support you to encourage you and none but i know the failures the frustrations the depression of having to do so much so that you could be who you are so that you could seek on your own and continue without me
outofsynch: (Default)
nothing has changed.
time has not yet worked her magic on us.
the "i" and "you" is too new
from the "us" we once were
to be different.
we have not evolved enough to come full circle back to "us".

on both our parts, i think,
the new needs time to settle
to become comfortable
to become old
we need time to look at the "you" and the "i"
to see what changes are valuable
to see what of our needs the other must meet

we must be critical of this pull back to "us"
we must be wary of it,
disect it,
evaluate it.
we should not rush
headlong back into a joining.
fear or repeating our prior mistakes
should keep us at bay.
if the "you" or "i" does not meet muster,
we must resist,
we must be strong,
we must withstand the lust.

if either of us does not wholey fulfill
the other's needs,
we will suffer and regret the joining
and we will surely loose
the "you" and "i" that each of us is creating
from the ashes of the "us" we once were.

waiting

Dec. 18th, 2010 05:44 pm
outofsynch: (Default)
the end of a relationship is like loosing an arm.
you miss it - what it did for you, what you got to do with it.
and when your not looking, sometimes it still feels like its there, then you look, and you don't see it. you remember that it's gone and the pain of the loss is fresh again. You wish that you could stem the pain, stop the bleeding, stop remembering how you lost it, but you can't.
and you know that, with time, the pain will dwindle to an ache, you'll make due, fill the gap in your life where that arm use to be, find ways to work around its absence, find new ways to do old things. but how much time you'll need to get there isn't laid out for you. all the people who are there to help you can't tell you, or make it happen faster, or make it easier in the mean time.
so you just keep going, day to day, wishing the pain would stop, wishing you didn't miss it, wishing you didn't still try to do things with it, or expect it to be there - the way it always use to be there.
and sometimes it still bleeds a little, and sometimes i wish i could just put things back the way they use to be, except that i don't want things to be the way they use to be, i want things to be better, and stemming the flow of blood with a patch, trying to put it back together, doesn't actually fix anything. and so the only thing i can do is wait.
wait for the bleeding to stop, wait for the ache to come, wait to stop looking for her whenever something good happens or i want to do something fun, wait to stop missing the way she held me, wait to stop trying to call her when i get a chance to relax from my life. i just have to wait to stop wishing to share in her life or that she could share in mine.
outofsynch: (Default)
still need to work on being open and compassionate.
it's hard for me.
i'm ok for a little while, but eventually something happens and I slip into old patterns of response.
i stop giving
i stop paying attention to how i'm feeling or i stop caring about how what i say makes me feel inside.
i catch myself doing things different now.
the way i see things, or the way i react to what i see.
i catch myself being free, being open, and i enjoy it.
i miss it.
some things are so easy; just a mindset, a reaction choice, a thought.
and so profound at the same time.
sometimes i start to stop. and i start to judge or resist the movement of love.
and i have to stop myself again.
and accept the love, and the compassion, and the acceptance that i'm giving to people.
it makes me feel like a better person, and yet it's hard for me to accept that i'm doing it.

so i still need to work on this.
i need it to be something i don't question anymore. something i accept and do willingly, without restriction, and frequently.
i need to be open and compassionate and to stop being judgemental and resistant.
these are things i need to work on.
outofsynch: (Default)
today i feel hopeful
where we might have a future together
where we might be able to work this out

today i feel hopeful
that our future contains more than friendship
that maybe, just maybe, we can be compatible.

today i feel hopeful
and it comes and goes in waves. up and down, like the ocean, like the tides, like the moon.

and i remember that we haven't started anything yet
i remember that we still have things to talk about
and i remember that we might not work this out beyond 'just friends'.
but today i feel hopeful

and today, at least for today, the emptiness in my arms and the kisses we aren't exchanging don't bleed my soul dry like the playa she found herself on.
and today the longing feels more like waiting, and i feel capable of making this journey alone
because today, i feel like i can come home to her arms and her smile when i'm through.

breathing

Nov. 12th, 2010 01:42 pm
outofsynch: (Default)
today i cannot breathe.
but if i could run away, put on someone else's shoes and leave my dirty clothes behind,
i could blend into the crowd and loose my pain as it wandered the streets of time square looking for me, and unable to find me.
i would become another person
and live and laugh and dance
i would be popular
my euphoria would provide an aphrodisiac to the masses who would never get enough of me.
i would slip into this new life
abandoning my cats and my empty apartment to fend for themselves
and maybe i would go back for my cats;
sneak in through the night and snuggle them away while my depression slept. and we would ride trains across the country and see new sights and smell new smells and we would lead new lives
and in the mountains of Colorado, and the rapids of California
I would be able to breathe again.

outofsynch: (Default)

it's not about the drugs but it is at the same time.
it's about us being in different places in our lives, and the drugs represent that very well.
it's about us having different values for things and different wants in our lives.
it's about us focusing on different things from different perspectives.
i don't think i was completely selfless. i saw things from how they effected me and i looked at things as how they would effect me.
and i saw things from how we might be able to build a life together too.
and i think she was doing the same thing, but we were looking at different things - it's like our sites weren't focused on the same aspects of what it meant to try and build a life together.
she was all emotional, and no practical.
i was all practical and no emotional.
both compliments, and not, at the same time.

practically, i want a security clearance, and i want a job that does government work, and practically speaking, i can't have someone as my partner who doesn't respect how they reflect on my charecter, or how what they do can put me in a position to be blackmailed.
because if she was my partner, and she was doing drugs, i could be blackmailed through her - and that makes me a compromising situation, and that risks my future with a clearance.
because if she was doing something illegal, someone could threaten to throw her in jail for it, to try and get me to do something, and because she's trans - it could turn into a very ugly, painful, harmful, situation for both of us.
and i don't know if i could let that happen - i don't know if i could accept the responsibility of harm like that coming to her because i was upholding my honor to my job.
and that makes me a risk.
and while that type of threat could happen even if she wasn't doing something illegal - there's really not reason to make it easier for it to happen.

Read more... )

judging

Nov. 8th, 2010 10:07 am
outofsynch: (Default)
this is hard for me.
people i know casually talking about pot
talking about their experiences with it, and whether or not they like it as though it's no big deal.
this is hard for me.
maybe it's not a big deal.
some people do it, some people don't.
they don't think of it as a crime or something morally apprehensive.
it's just something that exists in the world - neutral of morality.
but i struggle to hear these conversations and not feel judgment towards them.
i struggle to not condemn people for exploring these things and not also condemning them.
they know the risks involved, they talk about the 3 years clean you must have to get a government job.
they talk about the lie detector tests, and the interviews, and the risks of not getting a job if you do smoke pot.
but they don't think of it as something that should be considered wrong to do, or to have done.
they don't think of it as something bad, just something you can't do if you want certain jobs.
they accept the rules in the world, but not the judgments from them.
i struggle to find common ground in these conversations. a way to participate without condemning or betraying myself.
i struggle not to reject the conversation that is happening around me, or to try and end it.
and maybe that's my struggle.
maybe i must find a way to be comfortable in conversations that aren't in my comfort level.
maybe i must find a way to be present without being a contributor.
i tend to reject things that scare me.
and things i can't participate in scare me because i fear rejection.
so i reject those things that make me afraid i will be rejected.
but if i carry through on those impulses, i will get myself rejected more surely than just listening and waiting for something new to come up.
and i struggle with my own paranoia.
the belief that it is wrong and that we will be judged for the conversations.
the shock that something i consider taboo would be discussed so openly in public.
i struggle with resisting my own tendency to panic, then judge and resist the conversation.
i struggle to do something different, something more open, something more giving, something more caring, something more accepting of the people i'm socializing with.
i struggle to change my patterns, and give people the acceptance i also want.
i struggle to stop the judging.
outofsynch: (Default)
i feel listless today
i just want to lay down somewhere and not be anyone.
i want to sit on a porch with my lover and watch the wind in the trees.

we belong together
but not as we are right now
change is painful
and growth hurts
and i want to sit down with you and tell stories and make each other laugh and forget about the world for a day.

but not right now.

and right now.

and i wish that we were different people so that we could be together and laugh and be happy without the rest of the world encroaching on our life as it did before
but right now we are the same
and right now we need to change
and change hurts.

hurts like the missing piece of you that is me
hurts like the vague lack of purpose and desire i once had
hurts like the isolation i feel when i look for you and you aren't there
hurts like the giving i can't give because you aren't there to take
hurts like the holidays that i can't spend with you
hurts like the plans i have to re-plan because they once included you.
change hurts.

and growth is painful
and pain is giving and re-newing and maybe, maybe, one day we can change into people who can be together the way that we belong together
and the way that we fall into each other and the comfort of together when ever we are together

soundtrack

Oct. 31st, 2010 02:01 am
outofsynch: (Default)


well, this turned into an interesting list. 131 total tracks, and I'm missing some that  Ireally wanted to add. namely "sweet dreams" by the eurythmics, "silent legacy" byMelissa Etheridge, and some songs by Godsmack.
the play time is 8:39:39.
I don't think I have enough cd's to burn this.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do at this point....I put together a "condenced" versionthat basically took out several of the songs most people know I like and that dropped it down to 97 tracks and play time of 6:38:42....so  condenced somemore...5:27:13......I think it's the copleand symphony (the 'beef it's what's for dinner'theme :D ).........no more copeland, melissa is dropped (I don't have a copy of silent legacy anyway and that's still my favorite song), cut other artists down to the one song i want to keep, i took out tchekovsky's violen piece because it's mostly something i sleep to, and a few more cartoon theme songs (it's not like i don't have a cd with 23 on there.....3:48:15, which means I can at least burn it now and I kept the songs most people never would have heard of in the first place, and a few songs you can't get anywhere except the demo album I own.
I never got the tango pieces on there either - my cd player wouldn't detect the disk as a working thing, ah well.

Original list:
 

Read more... )

music

Oct. 28th, 2010 07:52 am
outofsynch: (Default)


music is important to me. it speaks to me and touches my soul.
the things that i like, i like because they have touched me in some way.
they filled a need or a voice that I had in my life and wasn't filling myself.
that's why music is so personal to me.
and why it's so hard for me to hear criticisms of what i like to listen to. songs that make me smile, that make me remenise, that make me whistful, that make me dance, that make me proud, that make me defiant, it's hard for me to share with people because sharing opens me up to their critiques. it also opens me up to their acceptance, but i've been afraid of the criticisms too much to be open for acceptance.

i have cd's and songs i won't listen to if people are around. i'm ashamed of what i like.
and i have songs that i quit listening to when zoe and i got closer because she criticized them, even if she didn't criticize me. it made me feel like my taste wasn't as good as hers, like i wasn't refined enough to have the same low opinions of them or hear how they were failing to add to the world of music.
it hurt. and so i tucked away my likes and the things that made me smile, and i put away another part of myself.
and i didn't say anything.
how do i stand up for something that i'm barely strong enough to admit i have?

so i want to make her a cd of the things that i like. the songs that speak to me. maybe it will help her get to know me so we can start a conversation and re-build our relationship.
i know there are other things going on in all of this, but she gets to decide what's important to her and where she's willing to bend as well. the only thing i can do is hope that she thinks this is workable too and hope that the points i'm coming to are acceptable and respectful of her as a person and an artist.
the only thing i can do is hope.
and make a song list of my deepest secrets.

being gay

Oct. 27th, 2010 09:08 pm
outofsynch: (Default)
group tonight was about building the support i will need to develop self- acceptance.
my therapist said that i seem to want to tackle the very large problem of my family not accepting who i am.
but that i need to start smaller by accepting that i am living in dc and dc is one of the most liberal cities in the world, and that my generation, and generations after me are more liberal and more accepting of gay people than my grandparents generation and my mother's generation.
michelle said that the group last week gave her a lot because she had a breakthrough that the world isn't going to change for us, but i can change how i interact with the world.
Read more... )

and so i'm thinking about making other plans for christmas.
maggie said she would be here for christmas so i could spend it with her.
maggie also said i need to stop living my life in fear.
i think that can happen slowly, bit by bit, if i start reaching out to people, and letting them see me, and letting them know that i am gay so that they can accept me and want to meet my girlfriend. and then i would be able to share my girlfriend with my world and i would not be alone with my guilt and my shame and my embarassment about being gay.
outofsynch: (Default)
maggie said that she believes zoe and i didn't know how to communicate about issues.
she said that she doesn't allow drugs in her house, or her car.
if she can get arrested for it, or would need to provide bail for someone else who got arrested for it, she doesn't want it around.
she said that having different standards on drug use for my friends and my girlfriend is ok because i'm trying to make a life with her. i'm trying to live with her.
i'm not trying to make a life with my friends.
she said that there were some drugs that really were only for religious use. paeoti was one she mentioned.
she said that if someone wants to use that she's ok with it, but it's not allowed in her house, or her car.

Read more... )
outofsynch: (Default)
can i accept the way some people will think about her and not allow that to affect the way that i think about her?

i think in order to do that i need to come to terms with my own judgements towards her and be secure in those acceptances and terms.
without that i won't be able to guarantee that i can stand up to other people's opinions and points of view.

so. we come to terms with them.

Read more... )

can i accept zoe?
yes.
can i accept me and being aknowledged as a lesbian?
no.

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