i got to end it with her asking for something and me saying no.
it's petty, but it felt good. and it gave me the ending i needed to move on.
finally. i have moved on.
to then shop okcupid like it was my second job.
i'm embarassed that online dating sites are where i've gone too mostly because i still think of them as pathetic.
but it seemed like the best place for me to meet someone given that i'm interested in people who aren't interested in bars, and then where do you meet these people, you know?
and so we start a new page.
and a new person, found via said online dating site.
and my roommate thanked her for making me "so happy".
high school-style infatuation is fun.
i'm waiting for it to burn off and see what's actually there.
i told my mother i was twitter-patted though and then bounced my head off the dashboard because i had to explain the Bambi reference to her.
and the other i have stated i never want to see again.
never is a strong word and i'm sure it won't last like that, but it's where i am right now.
to the point of telling the one mutual friend we have left that i do not want to be invited to parties that she will be going to.
one mutual friend. because i cut the rest out of my life like loose paper shreddings.
i've spent my life walking away from things i valued and cared about so often that i almost have no actual attachment to the permanency of people now.
i think about the weaver stories. about how our lives are threads through the fabrics of time. and they cross, mingle, part, or never meet according to the weaver's pattern. and i am reminded that a person will stay only so long as our threads are mingled, but we will never truly be part of each other as two threads can never be part of each other in the greater pattern.
maybe i should look for more positive lights in the stories about love. it'd be nice to travel with one other person for a length of time and make a life together. it would be really nice.