outofsynch: (Default)
she said,
"if you go into this with even a glimmer of hope, it'll eat away at you."
she said,
"are you even ready for this? have you healed enough to move forward? have you forgiven yourself yet?"
and she said,
"you take it one day at a time...you make a choice and see if you can handle it and if you can't, you make a different choice next time. you learn, and you grow."

bleed

Feb. 6th, 2011 09:08 pm
outofsynch: (Default)
I am opening the wound again,
cutting into the scab
to feel those feelings again.
the blood churns and rolls inside.

I've almost forgotten what it feels like to love for you.
the gap, the gash, gapes and blood pours out.

i bleed again for you.

i feel it roll down my chest as I sit up.
I feel it push from my body with the beating of my heart.

I bleed again for you
and this time only feel sadness.

this time, maybe this time, i'll heal in a good way.
take out the poisons as my blood flows
take the longer road to recovery and become a better person from the journey.
outofsynch: (Default)
i am empty
and i am happy

and it is good to acknowledge that.
to not pass judgment on it, or expectation on myself for feeling a certain way.

i am empty
and that does not mean that i must not be happy
or that i must be sad
or that i must be anything
i am empty.

and i am happy.
it is enough
and it is everything
and it is.

compassion. understanding. forgiveness.
these are the three sides to my triangle
my three sides for development. improvement. growth.
and they are three sides of _od.
they are my emotional growth and they are my spiritual growth.
i've been thinking of them as separate
but the similarities are too close, the lessons too identical for my spirituality and my emotionality to be two completely different things
and maybe that's part of why spirituality has such a grasp on humanity.
it ties in to fundamental life principles.

Read more... )
outofsynch: (Default)
what i believe i need is financial stability and financial reliability. not a successful partner, but one i can rely on, solidly, day in and day out for a certain contribution to our financial responsibilities, and what that would mean for you is that, if it came down to a choice, you would have to choose making money over making art.
and i don't think that is a choice that is fair to you or what you want to do with your life.
i think you need someone who is ok with you being artsy, and flighty, and a little financially unstable.
and i think, that if you let me go, and let go of the idea that we are meant for each other, that you might find a woman who won't try to change who you are to meet her needs.
and you might find a partner who lets you be free, and lets you be who you are, without the fights, and the stress, and the worry about your futures.
i think i need more practicality than is good for you.
and i know i need a partner who is completely, 100%, satisfied with a life removed from drugs, no matter what the reasons, or rationales, there might be for using.

and i think, that when i can stop loving you so painfully; when i can stop wanting you with me to keep me safe from scary movies; when i can stop fighting myself about kissing you, or seeing you, or reasoning how to make us work;
i think that we can be good friends.
i think that we can respect each other, and who we are as people, when we aren't trying to meet our needs with each other, or making the other change to fit our needs.

i miss you, i love you.
i will always love you.
and i will try to respect you the best i can.
outofsynch: (Default)
a question to help determine if you are asexual:

"Are you making choices to not act upon urges or do you lack them entirely?"

labels

Jan. 23rd, 2011 02:08 am
outofsynch: (Default)
i've lived many lables
and learned many things
i've seen the workings of the world
in little boxes, and compact words
and i've learned to leave them behind.
i've walked in many shoes
and i've seen many things
and the labels never fit
and the boxes were too square
my oblong, polygonal design
never made it in completely
and i was cut to pieces to fit compactly.

and now i am a southern belle
who curses like a sailor
and believes there is one god
among all the others who rule
i am a conservative hippy
who believes in free love
and free will
and abstinence before marriage.
i am an ex-grungy goth
who always preferred life sober
and can tell tales of wild trips
without ever traveling them myself

i am a woman who wants a family
and a house, and a supportive spouse -
someone who can help pay the bills,
and doesn't want kids,
and is an independent woman in her own right.
i am a leather domme,
who is probably a switch,
who is afraid to give
the same trust i am given.
i am a gay, dyke, lesbian, faggot
who swings between high posh fashion
and country, flannel with an undershirt

and though my life still has many turns
and many lables yet to live
i've yet to find a single label
that fits the way you think it should.
i've learned many things;
i've been called many names,
and i've been treated many ways
all by the label you decide to use that day
but at the end, for myself,
the only thing i can say
is that my label often says
"wash with like colors,
tumble dry low"
with the occasional "dry clean only"
to keep me on my toes.

=======================
i can put on a face,
put on a name
go to a place
and play a good game

and at the end of the day
when i've teased you to your rope
i'll turn around
and walk away
because the tease is what i was in for.
outofsynch: (Default)
i held your hand through your troubled walks i guided you, encouraged you, supported you to become who you are i wanted you to be who you could be saw the beauty locked inside your fear wished for the woman i hoped to love to be strong enough to overcome but now the bridge is burned you stand on the other side with our history to guide you for someone else to love the woman you can become i held your hand through troubled waters i walked with you to your identity and showed you who to talk to and how to meet your needs and when you got strong enough to seek on your own you left me new friends, new circles, new adventures awaited and supported you to be on your own helped you believe you were better without me helped you believe you could do it without me and few but i know how far you've come the distance you've traveled the name you were called or the struggle it took for you to be who you are and few but i know what it took to watch you to push you to support you to encourage you and none but i know the failures the frustrations the depression of having to do so much so that you could be who you are so that you could seek on your own and continue without me
outofsynch: (Default)
halfheartedly,
in vein
i write.

i miss you
and it slows my tongue;
dulls my wit.

i want to seem strong
resolute
determined
but my station is eroding
below, the waves of longing lap
eat away at the rocks
eat away at my foundation.

the tears of my heart
seep
feed the waves
feed the waters

and forgiveness weakens me
and compassion undermines me
and understanding shakes me
and inside i shiver

the comfort from my walls cracks
and i fear the onslaught once they fall.
outofsynch: (Default)
nothing has changed.
time has not yet worked her magic on us.
the "i" and "you" is too new
from the "us" we once were
to be different.
we have not evolved enough to come full circle back to "us".

on both our parts, i think,
the new needs time to settle
to become comfortable
to become old
we need time to look at the "you" and the "i"
to see what changes are valuable
to see what of our needs the other must meet

we must be critical of this pull back to "us"
we must be wary of it,
disect it,
evaluate it.
we should not rush
headlong back into a joining.
fear or repeating our prior mistakes
should keep us at bay.
if the "you" or "i" does not meet muster,
we must resist,
we must be strong,
we must withstand the lust.

if either of us does not wholey fulfill
the other's needs,
we will suffer and regret the joining
and we will surely loose
the "you" and "i" that each of us is creating
from the ashes of the "us" we once were.
outofsynch: (Default)
i had a visit from my past last week and realized why i left it there.
the shell of a human i once was filled out and needs more from my relationships than before.
sadly, the relationship had not evolved as i, and left me wanting in several regards.

but i saw a bit of where i began in her. the black and white sexuality categories; the need to be surrounded by people from the same "community" i once felt I was obligated to.
and i am greatful that i have expanded out of that.
that "community" to me consists of humans, and not simply those that classify themselves as "gay".

and i am greatful that my life has expanded beyond the value of who wants to get in my pants and how many women i make out with. i am greatful that my life receives value from my friends, and coffee dates, gazing at the stars under a blanket, and watching silly tv shows with others.
I am greatful that i can laugh and dance, and see myself as a person, as a human, and not as a sexual object. i am greatful that when i need a hug, or a listening ear, there are people i can turn to who will listen and help me grow instead of tuning me out.
i am greatful for the life i have and have been building.
and i am greatful to have this chance to look at myself anew and appreciate the things i've grown into, and the shell that i've left behind.

to the reader who will never bother:
your "southern charm" is abrassive and rude.
people are not obligated to provide you with everything you want, and addressing them as though this were true embarasses me for you, and offends me when you direct it at me.
i find it quaint that you see yourself on a pedistal above me when it comes to this regard and say that i should "let you handle the talking" because I will offend someone with my mannerisms.
if ever i allow you to grace my premises again, try to see me as less of a chaufer to your whims and more as a companion that you want to spend time with and talk to.

and as a note on your observation skills:
the toilet seat goes down when you are finished. i shall assume you didn't hear me when i asked you to put it down in the beginning and defer to the following - if it is down when you go in there, and i make a point of putting it down every time after you leave, kindly take notice and put the effort into the action yourself.

the tree

Jan. 1st, 2011 09:39 pm
outofsynch: (Default)
when you see a sapling, a tree in the first of its youth, you see a young thing with promise, and potential, that still must be sheltered and cared for. You see the hope of a strong and established tree in the slinder frame and fragile branches.

it is that hope, and that dream of what the sapling will become that encourages you to care for it, support it, guide it through it's growth. but in truth, no amount of care or guidance can make a sapling grow. that comes from something within the sapling itself, and if that spark isn't there, your care is in vain.

as a sapling matures, you see its branches thicken, its trunk grow longer, and below it' root system mirrors the growth. there is a point where you can no longer care for the sapling and it must grow on it's own. It lays the groundwork to support itself against the elements, and to thrive no matter what the world gives it. Those sappling that fail to develop enough roots, often fall in the wind and rain, or under the snow of winter. It is an understanding of nature that not all sapplings adequately prepare themselves for what lies ahead.

a tree that has survived several years past its youth often stands gaunt. straight, but showing the effects of the world on it. It has grown the way it needed to grow in order to survive on its own, and in its own way is a testament to strength and the resolve of its youth, even as it no longer quite mirrors the straight branches of the sapling it once was. Its trunk may be knotted, and it may have unpredicted bends in its branches - testaments to the obsticles it overcame and accomidated during its accention to the sky.
a testament to the maturity and growth it accomplished on its own, despite the challenges the world and the elements provided.

waiting

Dec. 18th, 2010 05:44 pm
outofsynch: (Default)
the end of a relationship is like loosing an arm.
you miss it - what it did for you, what you got to do with it.
and when your not looking, sometimes it still feels like its there, then you look, and you don't see it. you remember that it's gone and the pain of the loss is fresh again. You wish that you could stem the pain, stop the bleeding, stop remembering how you lost it, but you can't.
and you know that, with time, the pain will dwindle to an ache, you'll make due, fill the gap in your life where that arm use to be, find ways to work around its absence, find new ways to do old things. but how much time you'll need to get there isn't laid out for you. all the people who are there to help you can't tell you, or make it happen faster, or make it easier in the mean time.
so you just keep going, day to day, wishing the pain would stop, wishing you didn't miss it, wishing you didn't still try to do things with it, or expect it to be there - the way it always use to be there.
and sometimes it still bleeds a little, and sometimes i wish i could just put things back the way they use to be, except that i don't want things to be the way they use to be, i want things to be better, and stemming the flow of blood with a patch, trying to put it back together, doesn't actually fix anything. and so the only thing i can do is wait.
wait for the bleeding to stop, wait for the ache to come, wait to stop looking for her whenever something good happens or i want to do something fun, wait to stop missing the way she held me, wait to stop trying to call her when i get a chance to relax from my life. i just have to wait to stop wishing to share in her life or that she could share in mine.
outofsynch: (Default)
still need to work on being open and compassionate.
it's hard for me.
i'm ok for a little while, but eventually something happens and I slip into old patterns of response.
i stop giving
i stop paying attention to how i'm feeling or i stop caring about how what i say makes me feel inside.
i catch myself doing things different now.
the way i see things, or the way i react to what i see.
i catch myself being free, being open, and i enjoy it.
i miss it.
some things are so easy; just a mindset, a reaction choice, a thought.
and so profound at the same time.
sometimes i start to stop. and i start to judge or resist the movement of love.
and i have to stop myself again.
and accept the love, and the compassion, and the acceptance that i'm giving to people.
it makes me feel like a better person, and yet it's hard for me to accept that i'm doing it.

so i still need to work on this.
i need it to be something i don't question anymore. something i accept and do willingly, without restriction, and frequently.
i need to be open and compassionate and to stop being judgemental and resistant.
these are things i need to work on.
outofsynch: (Default)
today i feel hopeful
where we might have a future together
where we might be able to work this out

today i feel hopeful
that our future contains more than friendship
that maybe, just maybe, we can be compatible.

today i feel hopeful
and it comes and goes in waves. up and down, like the ocean, like the tides, like the moon.

and i remember that we haven't started anything yet
i remember that we still have things to talk about
and i remember that we might not work this out beyond 'just friends'.
but today i feel hopeful

and today, at least for today, the emptiness in my arms and the kisses we aren't exchanging don't bleed my soul dry like the playa she found herself on.
and today the longing feels more like waiting, and i feel capable of making this journey alone
because today, i feel like i can come home to her arms and her smile when i'm through.

breathing

Nov. 12th, 2010 01:42 pm
outofsynch: (Default)
today i cannot breathe.
but if i could run away, put on someone else's shoes and leave my dirty clothes behind,
i could blend into the crowd and loose my pain as it wandered the streets of time square looking for me, and unable to find me.
i would become another person
and live and laugh and dance
i would be popular
my euphoria would provide an aphrodisiac to the masses who would never get enough of me.
i would slip into this new life
abandoning my cats and my empty apartment to fend for themselves
and maybe i would go back for my cats;
sneak in through the night and snuggle them away while my depression slept. and we would ride trains across the country and see new sights and smell new smells and we would lead new lives
and in the mountains of Colorado, and the rapids of California
I would be able to breathe again.

outofsynch: (Default)
i gave notice at starbucks this week........
it's a little sureal really.
after thanksgiving i'll only work sundays, except for christmas eve, and then i'll be gone by the end of the year.

i'm going to have weekends for the first time in 4.5 years. what am i going to do with myself?
(besides homework)
though homework is important.
i've been putting off this paper i have to write before the holidays and i need to get it done.
at least i think i finally found a topic to write about, you know?

wish me luck on everything, ok?
things are going to get a little rocky now.
change and growth, and probably some depression to join in.
i've got to find my balance, and i've got to find myself.
 


outofsynch: (Default)

it's not about the drugs but it is at the same time.
it's about us being in different places in our lives, and the drugs represent that very well.
it's about us having different values for things and different wants in our lives.
it's about us focusing on different things from different perspectives.
i don't think i was completely selfless. i saw things from how they effected me and i looked at things as how they would effect me.
and i saw things from how we might be able to build a life together too.
and i think she was doing the same thing, but we were looking at different things - it's like our sites weren't focused on the same aspects of what it meant to try and build a life together.
she was all emotional, and no practical.
i was all practical and no emotional.
both compliments, and not, at the same time.

practically, i want a security clearance, and i want a job that does government work, and practically speaking, i can't have someone as my partner who doesn't respect how they reflect on my charecter, or how what they do can put me in a position to be blackmailed.
because if she was my partner, and she was doing drugs, i could be blackmailed through her - and that makes me a compromising situation, and that risks my future with a clearance.
because if she was doing something illegal, someone could threaten to throw her in jail for it, to try and get me to do something, and because she's trans - it could turn into a very ugly, painful, harmful, situation for both of us.
and i don't know if i could let that happen - i don't know if i could accept the responsibility of harm like that coming to her because i was upholding my honor to my job.
and that makes me a risk.
and while that type of threat could happen even if she wasn't doing something illegal - there's really not reason to make it easier for it to happen.

Read more... )

judging

Nov. 8th, 2010 10:07 am
outofsynch: (Default)
this is hard for me.
people i know casually talking about pot
talking about their experiences with it, and whether or not they like it as though it's no big deal.
this is hard for me.
maybe it's not a big deal.
some people do it, some people don't.
they don't think of it as a crime or something morally apprehensive.
it's just something that exists in the world - neutral of morality.
but i struggle to hear these conversations and not feel judgment towards them.
i struggle to not condemn people for exploring these things and not also condemning them.
they know the risks involved, they talk about the 3 years clean you must have to get a government job.
they talk about the lie detector tests, and the interviews, and the risks of not getting a job if you do smoke pot.
but they don't think of it as something that should be considered wrong to do, or to have done.
they don't think of it as something bad, just something you can't do if you want certain jobs.
they accept the rules in the world, but not the judgments from them.
i struggle to find common ground in these conversations. a way to participate without condemning or betraying myself.
i struggle not to reject the conversation that is happening around me, or to try and end it.
and maybe that's my struggle.
maybe i must find a way to be comfortable in conversations that aren't in my comfort level.
maybe i must find a way to be present without being a contributor.
i tend to reject things that scare me.
and things i can't participate in scare me because i fear rejection.
so i reject those things that make me afraid i will be rejected.
but if i carry through on those impulses, i will get myself rejected more surely than just listening and waiting for something new to come up.
and i struggle with my own paranoia.
the belief that it is wrong and that we will be judged for the conversations.
the shock that something i consider taboo would be discussed so openly in public.
i struggle with resisting my own tendency to panic, then judge and resist the conversation.
i struggle to do something different, something more open, something more giving, something more caring, something more accepting of the people i'm socializing with.
i struggle to change my patterns, and give people the acceptance i also want.
i struggle to stop the judging.
outofsynch: (Default)
i feel listless today
i just want to lay down somewhere and not be anyone.
i want to sit on a porch with my lover and watch the wind in the trees.

we belong together
but not as we are right now
change is painful
and growth hurts
and i want to sit down with you and tell stories and make each other laugh and forget about the world for a day.

but not right now.

and right now.

and i wish that we were different people so that we could be together and laugh and be happy without the rest of the world encroaching on our life as it did before
but right now we are the same
and right now we need to change
and change hurts.

hurts like the missing piece of you that is me
hurts like the vague lack of purpose and desire i once had
hurts like the isolation i feel when i look for you and you aren't there
hurts like the giving i can't give because you aren't there to take
hurts like the holidays that i can't spend with you
hurts like the plans i have to re-plan because they once included you.
change hurts.

and growth is painful
and pain is giving and re-newing and maybe, maybe, one day we can change into people who can be together the way that we belong together
and the way that we fall into each other and the comfort of together when ever we are together

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