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[personal profile] outofsynch
another day another pill.
i'm taking st. johns wart more and more regularly it seems.
i don't know if its S.A.D. or just not letting go of the past or both.
i want to walk away. walk away from the sadness. walk away from everything that makes me sad. but i can't. not litteraly, not figuratively, and even if I could quit - up and leave like I say i want to - it wouldn't make things better and might make them worse.

my mind still travels down the road of discontent. still looks at the door that leads to conversations about why i don't have all of someone's love. most of it self-depreciating. most of it self-abusive.
it's almost not worth even looking at anymore except that i keep thinking it'll change if i look every once in a while.
i never said i was bright.

at least with the st. john's wart the thoughts loose some of their force. at least while i still have them, they don't hit as hard or tear as much.
it's an exploration of what i do to myself because of how i think the thoughts will make me feel and what the thoughts actually do to me.
i might be beginning to get a hold on my own inflictions so that i don't compound the thoughts. might be.

at least while i self-medicate i can avoid admitting i might actually have a problem. i can avoid having to become reliant on health insurance or inject my system with synthetics. i hate doctors. i don't want more of them in my life than i have to have right now.

in the end they'll only tell me what i already know. they'll give me a drug that will work as well as the st. john's wort of worse. and it'll have crappy side-effects that will hurt my mood worse.
i realize i'm rationalizing not doing something about a potential problem.

and the closer reality is that my present is pretty ok. things are where i need them to be right now. i may not be happy with all of it, but right now things are what i need.
it's the potential futures that give me grief. the potential dreams i don't actually have right now that i might not ever be able to realize.
it's hopes, or hopes i believe i should have one day, that give me grief because i can't see my future becoming something that fulfills them.

potential hopes and dreams that i might have, and the possibility of my future beyond the development of those hopes and dreams that might not fulfill them. that's what upsets me.
i could use my energy in better places.

and what if i never develop those future hopes? what then? all this wasted energy being upset about the unfulfilled dreams i never had in the first place.
it would be ridiculous.
i plan. but sometimes i plan too much. projections only work so far before they become completely unreliable and the steps beyond the present i have to to take to get to a point of hopelessness is right about where the land of fancy takes off.

it would be better if i could take a pill to stop my mind from searching for all the what-ifs necessary to lead me to a future of hopelessness. can you find me one of those pills?
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April 2013


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