outofsynch: (Default)
[personal profile] outofsynch
another day another pill.
i'm taking st. johns wart more and more regularly it seems.
i don't know if its S.A.D. or just not letting go of the past or both.
i want to walk away. walk away from the sadness. walk away from everything that makes me sad. but i can't. not litteraly, not figuratively, and even if I could quit - up and leave like I say i want to - it wouldn't make things better and might make them worse.

my mind still travels down the road of discontent. still looks at the door that leads to conversations about why i don't have all of someone's love. most of it self-depreciating. most of it self-abusive.
it's almost not worth even looking at anymore except that i keep thinking it'll change if i look every once in a while.
i never said i was bright.

at least with the st. john's wart the thoughts loose some of their force. at least while i still have them, they don't hit as hard or tear as much.
it's an exploration of what i do to myself because of how i think the thoughts will make me feel and what the thoughts actually do to me.
i might be beginning to get a hold on my own inflictions so that i don't compound the thoughts. might be.

at least while i self-medicate i can avoid admitting i might actually have a problem. i can avoid having to become reliant on health insurance or inject my system with synthetics. i hate doctors. i don't want more of them in my life than i have to have right now.

in the end they'll only tell me what i already know. they'll give me a drug that will work as well as the st. john's wort of worse. and it'll have crappy side-effects that will hurt my mood worse.
i realize i'm rationalizing not doing something about a potential problem.

and the closer reality is that my present is pretty ok. things are where i need them to be right now. i may not be happy with all of it, but right now things are what i need.
it's the potential futures that give me grief. the potential dreams i don't actually have right now that i might not ever be able to realize.
it's hopes, or hopes i believe i should have one day, that give me grief because i can't see my future becoming something that fulfills them.

potential hopes and dreams that i might have, and the possibility of my future beyond the development of those hopes and dreams that might not fulfill them. that's what upsets me.
i could use my energy in better places.

and what if i never develop those future hopes? what then? all this wasted energy being upset about the unfulfilled dreams i never had in the first place.
it would be ridiculous.
i plan. but sometimes i plan too much. projections only work so far before they become completely unreliable and the steps beyond the present i have to to take to get to a point of hopelessness is right about where the land of fancy takes off.

it would be better if i could take a pill to stop my mind from searching for all the what-ifs necessary to lead me to a future of hopelessness. can you find me one of those pills?
From:
Anonymous( )Anonymous This account has disabled anonymous posting.
OpenID( )OpenID You can comment on this post while signed in with an account from many other sites, once you have confirmed your email address. Sign in using OpenID.
User
Account name:
Password:
If you don't have an account you can create one now.
Subject:
HTML doesn't work in the subject.

Message:

If you are unable to use this captcha for any reason, please contact us by email at support@dreamwidth.org


 
Notice: This account is set to log the IP addresses of everyone who comments.
Links will be displayed as unclickable URLs to help prevent spam.

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags

Profile

outofsynch: (Default)
outofsynch

April 2013

S M T W T F S
  123456
78910111213
14151617181920
21222324252627
282930    

Most Popular Tags