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[personal profile] outofsynch
old blogs are interesting. and useful i imagine.
i read old writings. old things about complaints and frustrations and i look at them and go "why didn't i wake up" and more to the point, "why do i think it could be different. why do i think i could change?"

i want things to be different. i want the past to be happy, and loving, the way it was sometimes. and i want the gripes to be minimized compared to the love and happiness.
what if that isn't possible?
maybe i'm delusional like nikki says. looking at the past with rose-tinted glasses because it's the past and i want to remember what was happy instead of what was making me crazy and hurting me.
and i know i try to rationalize the past. find things that i could have done to make the gripes less, make things work out differently, if only i'd been in a different place, if only i'd been a different person.

but that begs the question. am i a different person now? what if I'm not? what if I can't change or haven't changed? that would leave me right where i was before. and where i was before isn't good.
and i don't know how to tell if i have changed or just convinced myself that i've changed, and maybe it's not a good idea to ask someone to be my personal experiment on that. what's the point of ruining someones chances at a good life with someone else if i'm still the same?

old journals are good to read, but they make me feel guilty, and like a bad person. i complained too much, and never really did work on the issues to change them or improve things. and if that hasn't changed, then i won't get anywhere.
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outofsynch

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